Slow Down.

Hey team! My apologies for the late post - the last couple weeks have been absolutely nuts, Winter Camp with the youth group, midterms, projects, one-day trips to LA...you name it and I feel like I've done it in the last 14 days! With that being said, I'm still a chapter behind...so I'm going to try to cram chapters 7-9 into this post, and will hopefully be caught up by the end of this week. This is going to be a long one - so buckle up and hold on!!

Chapter 7
As I read began reading this chapter, many of my thoughts brought me back to my second summer driving. That summer was really the first time that I felt like I was truly able to live/lead out of true brokenness and vulnerability. As I read, I thought "Oh yah...I got this one down. I did that two summers ago." But the further I got, the more I kept reading, the more my thoughts changed to, "Oh crap...I still really suck at this."

Flee, fight, hide (117). Flee - Simply put, I run away from hard relationships. Fight - anger and bitterness, yup sounds like me. Hide - "build our lives in ways that cover up how...imperfect we are." Story of my life! But thank God that he has grace for all that, that in Him, we don't have to respond with those things. My natural tendencies are so far from embracing brokenness and vulnerability and it's only by his power/strength in me that I am ever able to do so.

The table on page 118-119 was super eye-opening to me. I went through and placed myself in either the left or right column for each, just to see where I landed. Only 5/18 landed on the "broken & vulnerable side." Again, just goes to show how much room there is for growth in this area!

Scazzero's take on the Prodigal Son was somewhat new to me, specifically when addressing the older brother. The focus on how the older brother dealt with (or rather didn't deal with) his anger was something I don't think I've heard anyone dive into before. I know I've placed myself in the shoe's of both son's at varying times in my life...but looking at the older son in this light makes me identify with him on a much deeper level - something I think I'm still trying to process through.

And last thing from chapter 7, something I think I'll be thinking about all summer: "Our light as leaders shines most brightly from the very back drop of our own brokenness and vulnerability. This is our greatest gift to the people we serve. We help create a safe environment for others to come out of hiding and be themselves." (136)

Chapter 8
As evidenced in my opening paragraph of my post - limits are something I have trouble with. I think back a couple of years ago to the "Hard to Say No" skit (that I was actually in...funny how that happens), and so often that is too true in my life. It's hard to say no! Why? Probably because I don't want to let people down. Like Andy talked about in his post, saying no means I must be doing something wrong, not being a good Christian. I don't trust other people in my group to do the work well. I feel like if I'm not the one to do it, it just won't ever get done. I don't want to miss out on something fun (yes, FOMO rules my life). Limits are a struggle for me. "God invites us to do life, to work from a place of rest." - I can't remember the last time I was working from a place of rest.

"Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch." (151) - Man that sounds like something I need to do more often.

Chapter 9
"One of the reasons I resisted stopping from all my busy activity is I did not want to face the sadness that was waiting for me" (163). I think this points back up to the self-care quote...

"Forgiveness is not a quick process. I do not believe it is possible to forgive another person from the heart until we allow ourselves to feel the pain of what was lost" (164). I think of my relationship with my dad - I've already mentioned how much of a roller coaster my relationship is with him. And how I've come to a place of not allowing myself to feel the emotions associated with it due to the fact that everything will be better in a few weeks. That is why true forgiveness is so hard for me. "They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain" (165). I have a tendency to tell myself the words, "I've forgiven him" just so I don't have to deal with the pain anymore. When the reality is...I haven't even allowed myself to really feel the pain in the first place. My dad did something over Christmas break that made me feel not-loved, unworthy - it caused so much pain. But I just told myself "Whatever, it's not a big deal. Just get over it and it'll be fine." I still, two months later, haven't allowed myself to feel that pain. I mean, come on...on Christmas Eve, to feel so unloved and unworthy as a daughter - it sucked, but in all my "emotional health" (or lack thereof) I told myself to move on.

"Give yourself permission to feel. Slow down the pace of your life. Remember, your losses are not something to get over but are of great value to God and your spirituality" (174).

I also loved: "Out of the greatest evil, the death of Jesus, came the greatest good. God transforms evil into good without diminishing the awfulness of evil" (175). So why should we diminish the pain and loss in our own lives?



Ultimately after blogging through those few chapters I think the biggest take away for me is that I need to SLOW DOWN and take some time for myself. When/how that's going to happen in this season of life is a blur to me, but I know it's going to be essential in the continuing process of walking out an emotionally healthy life.