Grieving My God
I was particularly interested in this chapter because this is the section of the test that I scored lowest on back in chapter 3. Not to my surprise the beginning of the chapter immediately grabbed my attention with the quote:
"Often, when we wonder if we are regressing and going backwards spiritually, God is doing his most profound work of transformation in us."
"Regressing and going backwards" most accurately describes where I've felt since November that I am at spiritually. And I've so desperately wanted to hope that there was some sort of purpose through this, however, I just can't seem to see it. God feels pretty absent from my life entirely, singing worship songs feels unnatural and uncomfortable, thinking about Jesus, the gospel, and salvation has not remotely inspired awe in me. And I've seen it taking a toll on many of the relationships that are most important to me. To say the absolute least, I've been grieving whatever all this is. I don't even really know at this point. I know that throughout life these times are bound to come and go but I'm trying to embrace the fact that in the moment they can still be discouraging. This quote above dared me to keep hoping along with this one on page 170 (Hebrews 5:8)
"He [Jesus] learned obedience from what he suffered."
And page 168
"The laments pay attention to the reality that life can be hard, difficult, and sometimes even brutal. They take notice of the apparent absence of God. They notice when circumstances seem to say that God is not good. They cry out to God for comfort and care."
(Not to mention that all of this makes me feel like a complete and utter fraud with Barnies)
Origin
I think my inability to embrace grieving obviously comes from my family, but in different ways. From a young age I remember my Dad frequently telling me that I shouldn't be sad or upset that my parents got divorced because so many people's parents are divorced now a day. As a child the single most heartbreaking thing for me, I shouldn't feel sad about it.
On the other hand, my mother is an extremely strong, confident and positive person and she handled the divorce like a superstar. She took on the single parent role with ease and joy and blessed me with an amazing childhood. She always has the outlook, to this day, that "Well, there's nothing that can be done about it now, so might as well make the best of it" or (one that she used on me incessantly as a child when I was being uncooperative) "Just choose to have a good attitude."
I think all of this communicated that I don't deserve to grieve and that things will just be okay if I find the good and be positive about it.
Other Areas that I'm Currently Grieving
- (As mentioned above) Obedience to God but with a lack of intimacy or connection with God. Feeling that is on my shoulders to "make him reappear" through more spiritual "doings."
- Former friendships that have faded
- Prospects of being separated from last years Barnies this summer
- My own insecurity. That my identity of being one loved by Jesus is not enough, not comforting and completely unseen at times (now).
I really appreciate Scazzeros acknowledgement that it is important to fully grieve the small things (161) and to be honest with God about them though they may seem insignificant. And that all of this is so essential for being able to be truly compassionate towards others and to be able to fully grieve with them.
Other take aways from the chapter
On page 164 I know I have the tendency to do the whole, "Well they did their best. They couldn't help it" with people who hurt or disappoint me instead of fully feeling the hurt and then forgiving in the same way that Jesus feels the weight of our rebellion and unwillingness to receive him. It is only because of this that the full joy of our salvation can be felt.
"Out of the greatest evil, the death of Jesus, came the greatest good. God transforms evil into good without diminishing the awfulness of the evil." (Page 175)
Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Chapters 7&8
A few passages that stuck out to me:
In emotionally healthy churches, people live and lead out of brokenness and vulnerability. they understand that leadership in the kingdom of God is from the bottom up, not a grasping, controlling, or lording over others (114).
My preparations, however, both formal and informal, left out one of the most important biblical pathways to grow in spiritual authority and leadership - brokenness and weakness (116).
Why does God do this? He releases the curse in order to drive us to our knees and to seek him, to recognize our need for a Savior (116).
The Cracked Pot Story (123).
Parker Palmer Story (146).
I particularly enjoyed the story of the cracked pot because i have also said these words to some capacity, "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize that i have only been able to deliver half my water to your house. There is a crack in my side which causes water to leak out" (123).
What is so amazing about this story is how little the cracked pot really knows; what it fails to see. It is shortsighted. It doesn't see the big picture. It hasn't stopped to pay attention to its surroundings for the past two years. It hasn't gotten past the shame of being cracked. It doesn't see the beauty the water carrier has been able to cultivate due to the flaw.
Now all i have to do is replace my name with "it" and it can accurately describe parts of me as well.
The story also triggered the memory of what Reid has talked about in 2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
I see so many parallels with jars of clay being fragile in their nature and the intention in showing that this all-surpassing power comes from Him, not us
In emotionally healthy churches, people live and lead out of brokenness and vulnerability. they understand that leadership in the kingdom of God is from the bottom up, not a grasping, controlling, or lording over others (114).
My preparations, however, both formal and informal, left out one of the most important biblical pathways to grow in spiritual authority and leadership - brokenness and weakness (116).
Why does God do this? He releases the curse in order to drive us to our knees and to seek him, to recognize our need for a Savior (116).
The Cracked Pot Story (123).
Parker Palmer Story (146).
I particularly enjoyed the story of the cracked pot because i have also said these words to some capacity, "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize that i have only been able to deliver half my water to your house. There is a crack in my side which causes water to leak out" (123).
What is so amazing about this story is how little the cracked pot really knows; what it fails to see. It is shortsighted. It doesn't see the big picture. It hasn't stopped to pay attention to its surroundings for the past two years. It hasn't gotten past the shame of being cracked. It doesn't see the beauty the water carrier has been able to cultivate due to the flaw.
Now all i have to do is replace my name with "it" and it can accurately describe parts of me as well.
The story also triggered the memory of what Reid has talked about in 2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
I see so many parallels with jars of clay being fragile in their nature and the intention in showing that this all-surpassing power comes from Him, not us
Don't You Know That You Yourselves Are God's Temple and That God's Spirit Lives in You? - I Corinthians -- Fragile Limits Encountering the Unlimited
David wrestled with the core spiritual issue for us
if we are to be faithful to living within our God-given boundaries and limits:
Is God good and is God really sovereign? God is so staggering that, like David,
we can’t even imagine where he is going and what he is doing in and through our
lives. David accepted that his breadth of knowledge was too narrow to perceive
God’s intent. Only time would strip away his shallow understandings of what was
going on and why God said no to his plans. God was painting on a vast canvas
over a long period of time. Only in eternity would he understand. Meanwhile,
David, like us, was to be faithful to his God-given limits and prepare the
materials for Solomon, his son, to build the temple in the next generation.
That required a radical faith and trust in God. In the same way, people in
emotionally healthy churches trust in God’s goodness by receiving his limits as
gifts and expressions of his love. At times this involves grieving the loss of
dreams and expectations we may have for our lives, a reality that leads us to
the next principle of emotionally healthy disciples and churches: the ability
to embrace grief and loss.
I finished chapter 7 and chapter 8 praising God that
the Son of David did indeed build His temple and fills all our limits with
absolute sufficiency and total love!
Take it away ISAIAH!!! -- And he will be
called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of
the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign
on David’s throne and over his kingdom.
Jesus' emotional example.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been bombarded with reminders of this book.
First of all, in myself, in struggling with burdens and guilt and ultimately avoiding and suppressing those feelings. A housemate that is struggling with not wanting to lead her small group anymore because she doesn't enjoy leadership roles and feels more fulfilled in worship ministry but is afraid to let her co-leaders know her feelings. Another housemate has become confused of how to be a Christ-like friend to someone who consistently dumps his problems on her without listening to her advise. Lastly, my church is currently going through this same text, "The Emo Church Series."
I have emotional issues coming at me in every direction. The first thing that came to my mind naturally was "why God?" and then "I don't want to deal with any of this." Typical.
A few saturdays ago, I broke down. I cried to my mom for a few hours straight. I was drowning in my potholes. (guilt and major insecurity) Stress and lack of trust had pushed further and further down. The day after, my pastor announced that we were going to start a series on this same book. In my seat, I was elated. I love hearing my pastors point of view on topics. That first week he spoke about how Jesus expressed his emotions. I was shocked, for some reason I had forgotten how emotional Jesus was and then was so happy I really wasn't alone in this.
This is how Jesus is emotionally healthy when he is at Gethsemane.
-He gave his feelings to God.
"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them....
Mark 14:34
-He gave God his desires.
"Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him."Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me (...)"
Mark 14:35-36
First of all, in myself, in struggling with burdens and guilt and ultimately avoiding and suppressing those feelings. A housemate that is struggling with not wanting to lead her small group anymore because she doesn't enjoy leadership roles and feels more fulfilled in worship ministry but is afraid to let her co-leaders know her feelings. Another housemate has become confused of how to be a Christ-like friend to someone who consistently dumps his problems on her without listening to her advise. Lastly, my church is currently going through this same text, "The Emo Church Series."
I have emotional issues coming at me in every direction. The first thing that came to my mind naturally was "why God?" and then "I don't want to deal with any of this." Typical.
A few saturdays ago, I broke down. I cried to my mom for a few hours straight. I was drowning in my potholes. (guilt and major insecurity) Stress and lack of trust had pushed further and further down. The day after, my pastor announced that we were going to start a series on this same book. In my seat, I was elated. I love hearing my pastors point of view on topics. That first week he spoke about how Jesus expressed his emotions. I was shocked, for some reason I had forgotten how emotional Jesus was and then was so happy I really wasn't alone in this.
This is how Jesus is emotionally healthy when he is at Gethsemane.
-He gave his feelings to God.
"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them....
Mark 14:34
-He gave God his desires.
"Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him."Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me (...)"
Mark 14:35-36
-He gave God his trust.
..."Yet not what I will, but what you will"
Mark 14:36
(^^ Jesus was emotional so I can be emotional too. pheww)
What would my life be like if I were to give my desires to God. Even if there are bad, embarrassing, lame, or stupid. I have learned that God meets us where we are at, it was reiterated in the book, I heard it from my pastor and my mom. It's hard for me because I'm a flight risk. I run away from all of those desires because I feel guilty about them, become afraid to disappoint people and then I turn that fear of what people think of me in to serious self-image and insecurities issues. Its a revolving door that I have to get out of.
The genogram chapter was something that really got me thinking about why I am like this. Honestly, I thought that I was the only to feel like this. But really, my mom, my grandma, my sister and my aunt have all struggled with self-image and insecurity. My grandma was verbally abused as a child and was never told she was good enough. She never treated my mom and aunt like this, but how she was affected trickled all the way down to me. That is just one trait but there are more than enough positive traits too that I have to be thankful for as well.
But now I can "reparent" this portion of my personality. I am choosing to tell the Lord my desires even if they are bad and then most importantly trusting and inviting him to meet me in that place. And lastly, being open and vulnerable about these things with my loved ones.
"God's invitation is to welcome him into those areas so we might break free to live life as joyfully and freely as he intends." pg 106
Monday, February 24, 2014
I'll go to school...
Saying "no" ≠ being a bad follower.
I connected with Ch. 8 in a few spots "Give people freedom to say no' *(all I kept hearing is "you never graduate from Jesus school"- thanks Sonshine)
It wasn't until a few summers serving with Sonshine that I began to understand that in order for me to "live a balanced life" there were some things I needed to say "no" to. Often growing up I had (and have) this incredible desire to serve AND PLEASE others. I would jump at the chance to be away from home and be over involved in "something at church." I quickly learned that by serving ALL THE TIME other things (time with family, conflict, hurt, pain, homework) could be escaped. The word "no" was rarely in my vocabulary.
"There is this new role that we don't know much about, pays nothing, and demands all of you, you should do this..."(dramatized a little for effect) was presented. Feeling obligated to say yes... I began sharing with friends who know me well, they recognized I might be headed down a path of utter destruction. Upon seeing council from friends (who knew me better than I knew myself- pointing out my potholes/deficits *trainee packet) I was reminded that "if not given the opportunity to say no... you will say yes" that my tunnel vision, blinder, pothole-seeking eyes were opened. This is where I learned that saying "no-thanks" to a opportunity at church didn't mean I was a BAD CHRISTIAN (mind blown).
What freedom!!! Without the community I would have camper-dove head first into the muddiest pothole. Going through the trainee program and reading the Reid's post about THE WOODCARVER by Thomas Merton, showed me that sometimes those closest to me can see my destructive behavior before I can, and walk-alongside me and remind me, point out to me, and drag me out of my potholes.
"After three days fasting, I had forgotten gain and success. After five days I had forgotten praise or criticism. After seven days I had forgotten my body with all its limbs... All that might distract me from the work had vanished"- The Woodcarver- by Thomas Merton
1 Timothy 4 is so good... in rereading the Revelation of Grace and Truth packet.
Without Jesus... I can't say what my life would be like. I can recognize in this moment how desperately I need Him, and how often I try to put those blinders back on.
Thank you Father for your Son!
Earthquake
In life earthquakes come, destroy a town or knock down trinkets in our homes, we clean up we rebuild and we move on. In 2010 an earthquake hit Haiti and devastated the landscape there. (this earthquake was less than the earthquake in San Francisco in the 80's) Anyways, this idea of destruction and brokenness is commonly hidden in our society. Like Katie was saying it can be manipulated into really ugly things. In this case, America came to Haiti's rescue for a short period and then moved on. It was easy to try to help Haiti fix itself for a small amount of time but then there was another disaster or a new thing to fix.
I guess my point is that we like to fix brokenness when it really needs to be embraced. "My understanding was that God wanted to heal my brokenness and vulnerabilities completely." pg 122 The destruction of an earthquake is a chance to rebuild, although devastating it unites people (for at least a short while). Events in our lives shape who we are. They need to be embraced. Whether this is just a shift in the way we live, or a catastrophic event this brokenness and "destruction" helps. Earthquakes are also the reason that we have come up with new ways of building things. We build things to withstand a certain magnitude of earthquake. Earthquakes destroy or "wreck" us so that God can come and rebuild so that we can withstand the next earthquake.
As I read these two chapters I could not help but think about my first summer as a Sonshine staff. I was so amazed at how open people were to sharing about their brokenness, I had never experienced that before. However, as I continued working I think I shared "too" much. I think that I was almost proud of my brokenness instead of being vulnerable or lifting it up to God, I was covering it up with pride. These chapters made me pray that God would push me to be more vulnerable (in a way that is life-giving and glorifying to God) with this team, and with my team barnabas. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability and I know that only God can provide an atmosphere that makes the barneys and drivers feel safe to share. this is my prayer that God can help us embrace a new way of living, even if causes and earthquake in our lives, but from this a more vulnerable and safe community is born.
I hope you guys followed my analogy even a little and if you ever want to talk about earthquakes come talk to me!
Have a great week!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Self-Care = Worship
I apologize for failing to post last week; I couldn't find the proper way to post... turns out I was logged into the wrong gmail account...
"Self-care is never a selfish act -- it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on Earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch."
For years I have struggled with the acceptance of self-care. It has always struck me as a "selfish act" merely because I am not serving anyone in the process, or so I used to think. From reading these past chapters, and specifically upon reading Parker Palmer's Let Your Life Speak during the Fall, I began to realize that not only is it not a selfish act, but it is 1) a way to worship the Lord, and 2) ensure that my service to others is authentic. Unfortunately, our humanly bodies can only endure the fatigue of daily routine and life's challenges to a certain extent. I used to see self-care and quiet time as two distinctively disparate events, yet I have come to understand that my worship and the opportunity to take care of myself go hand-in-hand. I worship Him in the moment I am taking care of myself and also worship Him with the abilities I will now have to serve others with my newfound strength granted by Him through the strength He has provided me through the time I took to take care of myself (that might have been a run-on...). Upon realizing self-care, to a healthy extent, does not have to result in feelings of guilt, serving has become a joy rather than a task.
Hope you're all taking care of yourselves over there!
"Self-care is never a selfish act -- it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on Earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch."
For years I have struggled with the acceptance of self-care. It has always struck me as a "selfish act" merely because I am not serving anyone in the process, or so I used to think. From reading these past chapters, and specifically upon reading Parker Palmer's Let Your Life Speak during the Fall, I began to realize that not only is it not a selfish act, but it is 1) a way to worship the Lord, and 2) ensure that my service to others is authentic. Unfortunately, our humanly bodies can only endure the fatigue of daily routine and life's challenges to a certain extent. I used to see self-care and quiet time as two distinctively disparate events, yet I have come to understand that my worship and the opportunity to take care of myself go hand-in-hand. I worship Him in the moment I am taking care of myself and also worship Him with the abilities I will now have to serve others with my newfound strength granted by Him through the strength He has provided me through the time I took to take care of myself (that might have been a run-on...). Upon realizing self-care, to a healthy extent, does not have to result in feelings of guilt, serving has become a joy rather than a task.
Hope you're all taking care of yourselves over there!
Stress, burdens and potholes = emotional train wreck
I just wanted to let you all know, I love you and am so blessed to have a space to share and to be open and honest.
The last couple of weeks my emotionality has been off the charts. The combination of stress, burdens and potholes has led me down an extreme emotional journey. All resulting from school and ultimately my personal trust issues with God. With all of that said, I do plan to elaborate. I am behind in reading and I apologize. So expect a post soon! :)
I love you all!
Kenzie
The last couple of weeks my emotionality has been off the charts. The combination of stress, burdens and potholes has led me down an extreme emotional journey. All resulting from school and ultimately my personal trust issues with God. With all of that said, I do plan to elaborate. I am behind in reading and I apologize. So expect a post soon! :)
I love you all!
Kenzie
Friday, February 21, 2014
All the cool kids are doin it
Chapter 7
1) Absolutely LOVED the story of the cracked pot! Possibly my favorite part of the chapter.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize that I have only been able to deliver half of my
water to your house. There is a crack in my side which causes water to leak out. Because of my
flaws, you don't get full value from your effort." (I've probably said this nearly verbatim to God
several times)
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it."
2) As I read this chapter about brokenness and about leading out of weakness, I wrestled with the predicament of using brokenness to acquire love in addition to the pressure, not of struggling, but of struggling perfectly. I feel like this is the case in many amazing believing communities. I've certainly felt this pressure at times at Sonshine; a place where we are highly encouraged to be honest about weakness and brokenness. It's as if it becomes impressive to be broken or to struggle with a Godly perspective. It's the "cool" thing to do and to share. Man that just shouldn't be the point of confession. But I've certainly caved to it before. (It's almost the opposite of Scazzero) This is not to say that leading out of weakness is a bad thing, just that it can be manipulated in such an ugly way.
Chapter 8
My first thought when I saw the title of this chapter was, "Oh this totally doesn't apply to me. I don't have a problem saying no to things or people."... WRONG! again. Notorious for sticking my foot in my mouth even if it's mentally. I think God really gets a kick out of that.
I found the idea of setting limits, being able to say no, and self care to be extraordinarily freeing. Also, loved the bridge story at the beginning! Really just such a good picture.
I think I find setting limits more challenging with people than with tasks/areas of service. I think this might be why Barney coordinating seems daunting to me. It feels like I've got 32 ropes with dangling Barney's in my hand (certainly this is not the hanger model that it should be). The "I-don't-want-to-be-challenged-with-this" part of me wants to drop them all and make a run for it. But as Scazzero said, I think this is more a result of a character flaw than over extending limitations.
Parker Palmer quote = fabulously insightful and loaded with truth
***"In the coming world, they will not ask me, 'Why were you not Moses [insert name of person I compare myself to]?' They will ask me, 'Why were you not [Katie]?' The true vocation for every human being is, as Kierkegaard, "the will to be oneself."
This just reminded me so much of the Willie Juan story for some reason. I need this quote so badly everyday. Favorite part of this chapter. Speaks to my soul.
1) Absolutely LOVED the story of the cracked pot! Possibly my favorite part of the chapter.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize that I have only been able to deliver half of my
water to your house. There is a crack in my side which causes water to leak out. Because of my
flaws, you don't get full value from your effort." (I've probably said this nearly verbatim to God
several times)
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it."
2) As I read this chapter about brokenness and about leading out of weakness, I wrestled with the predicament of using brokenness to acquire love in addition to the pressure, not of struggling, but of struggling perfectly. I feel like this is the case in many amazing believing communities. I've certainly felt this pressure at times at Sonshine; a place where we are highly encouraged to be honest about weakness and brokenness. It's as if it becomes impressive to be broken or to struggle with a Godly perspective. It's the "cool" thing to do and to share. Man that just shouldn't be the point of confession. But I've certainly caved to it before. (It's almost the opposite of Scazzero) This is not to say that leading out of weakness is a bad thing, just that it can be manipulated in such an ugly way.
Chapter 8
My first thought when I saw the title of this chapter was, "Oh this totally doesn't apply to me. I don't have a problem saying no to things or people."... WRONG! again. Notorious for sticking my foot in my mouth even if it's mentally. I think God really gets a kick out of that.
I found the idea of setting limits, being able to say no, and self care to be extraordinarily freeing. Also, loved the bridge story at the beginning! Really just such a good picture.
I think I find setting limits more challenging with people than with tasks/areas of service. I think this might be why Barney coordinating seems daunting to me. It feels like I've got 32 ropes with dangling Barney's in my hand (certainly this is not the hanger model that it should be). The "I-don't-want-to-be-challenged-with-this" part of me wants to drop them all and make a run for it. But as Scazzero said, I think this is more a result of a character flaw than over extending limitations.
Parker Palmer quote = fabulously insightful and loaded with truth
***"In the coming world, they will not ask me, 'Why were you not Moses [insert name of person I compare myself to]?' They will ask me, 'Why were you not [Katie]?' The true vocation for every human being is, as Kierkegaard, "the will to be oneself."
This just reminded me so much of the Willie Juan story for some reason. I need this quote so badly everyday. Favorite part of this chapter. Speaks to my soul.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Chapter 7 & 8
My response to
chapters 7 & 8 is best descibed by the woodcarver - for those who have sat in a training session and experienced "The Woodcarver" we only ask the simple question......"What jumpes out at you?"
The Woodcarver
Khing, the
master carver, made a bell stand Of precious wood.
When it was
finished, all who saw it were astonished.
They said it
must be the work of the spirits.
The Prince
of Lu said to the master carver: "What is your secret?"
Khing replied:
"I am only a workman: I have no secret.
There is only this:
When I began
to think about the work you commanded
I guarded my
spirit, did not expend it on trifles, that were not to the point.
I fasted in
order to set my heart at rest.
After three days
fasting, I had forgotten gain and success.
After five
days I had forgotten praise or
criticism.
After seven
days I had forgotten my body with all its limbs
"By
this time all thought of your Highness and of the court had faded away.
All that
might distract me from the work had vanished.
I was
collected in the single thought of the bell stand.
"Then I
went to the forest to see the trees in their own natural state.
When the
right tree appeared before my eyes,
the bell
stand also appeared in it, clearly, beyond doubt.
All I had to
do was put forth my hand and begin.
"If I
had not met this particular tree there would have been no bell stand at all.
"What
happened?
My own
collected thought encountered the hidden potential in the wood;
From this
live encounter came the work which you ascribe to the spirits."
("The Woodcarver" by Thomas Merton, from The Way of Chuang Tzu, 1965 by The Abbey of Gethsemani.)
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The [Inward] Journey
I apologize for this late post this is from last weeks reading =]
"An authentic relationship with Christ also takes us into the depths-- the shadows, the strongholds and the darkness deep within our own souls that must be purged. Surrendering to this inward and downward journey is difficult and painful."pg 73
When I read this line I just thought to myself "Welp guess I won't be going on that journey," I know ridiculous. Little did I know that a line a page later would not only be the theme to my next week, but also cause me to look to my family and past for answers. "Most of us feel much more equipped to manipulate objects, control situations, and "do" things than to take that very long journey inward." pg. 75
This ties nicely into my genogram and the last story of Chapter 6 (sorry for all of the jumping around I swear I have a point) "She was the oldest of three children and was drawn to her dad, identifying with his emotions of anger, guilt, worry, and hurt. She took on the responsibility to make sure her dad felt better. If he didn't seem to be recovering from his negative feelings, she felt guilty. She would try to rescue him, always trying to do 'the right thing.'" pg 111
I have always struggled with the idea that doing follows being. This week I have grasped this idea probably better than I ever have. I am such a people pleaser that I will do almost anything for the people that I love, especially my family.
My dad got it a fight with my brother last week, and was hurt and longed for his family to be together. So he asked me to come home, and I told him that I couldn't. I needed rest and time to catch up from being gone every weekend this quarter. Then he got mad at me. I felt so guilty because I felt like I was being selfish, I then planned to go home that weekend and hoped that would make my dad feel better. My mom then spoke to me about it and told me that I needed to take care of myself, and that my dad was just hurting. I swear God has funny timing. I guess its more perfect than funny. This book has just repeated 2 ideas for me. 1) I deal with my hurt in the same way my dad does, by getting mad and 2) I can't fix my family only God can, and I guess there is a third 3) In order for God to fix my family I have to be willing to allow him to fix me.
This conversation sparked a journey to my past that will probably never actually end.
I love my family so much and they have given me so many great qualities, but have also passed on some not so great ones. I don't just try to make sure my dad is happy, but also my mom and brother. This stems from my dad constantly trying to please his mom and him striving for acceptance from his abusive father. It also stems from my mom who never heard the words "I love you" from her dad until much later in life, and her mom who worked so much my mom hardly saw her. However from these same circumstances stems the fact that my parents have always supported me even when they don't agree with my decisions and tell me that they love me more times than I can count. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to accept others for who they are and accept myself for who I am. But still from this its hard for me to accept love. I remember over the summer on one of my floats with Mike, Mike asked me If I accepted God's love or allowed God to love me. And if I was completely honest, the answer is no. I feel like I have to earn God's love, I have to be the best young life leader, or the best speaker, etc. "I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable." pg 85 I need to be reminded of this daily. God loves us. He adopted us and cancelled all of our debts. Romans 8 talks about God's children running to him calling him "Abba." I want so badly to do that...but in order to do that I need to let him strip me of my past-my snake skin. (Voyage of the Dawn Treader) This journey is not going to be easy, but I have been so encouraged by everyone's posts and the opportunity to walk alongside this team as we all journey together.
Thank you for reading my ramblings and letting me process these two chapters through this blog!
Love you all so much!
"An authentic relationship with Christ also takes us into the depths-- the shadows, the strongholds and the darkness deep within our own souls that must be purged. Surrendering to this inward and downward journey is difficult and painful."pg 73
When I read this line I just thought to myself "Welp guess I won't be going on that journey," I know ridiculous. Little did I know that a line a page later would not only be the theme to my next week, but also cause me to look to my family and past for answers. "Most of us feel much more equipped to manipulate objects, control situations, and "do" things than to take that very long journey inward." pg. 75
This ties nicely into my genogram and the last story of Chapter 6 (sorry for all of the jumping around I swear I have a point) "She was the oldest of three children and was drawn to her dad, identifying with his emotions of anger, guilt, worry, and hurt. She took on the responsibility to make sure her dad felt better. If he didn't seem to be recovering from his negative feelings, she felt guilty. She would try to rescue him, always trying to do 'the right thing.'" pg 111
I have always struggled with the idea that doing follows being. This week I have grasped this idea probably better than I ever have. I am such a people pleaser that I will do almost anything for the people that I love, especially my family.
My dad got it a fight with my brother last week, and was hurt and longed for his family to be together. So he asked me to come home, and I told him that I couldn't. I needed rest and time to catch up from being gone every weekend this quarter. Then he got mad at me. I felt so guilty because I felt like I was being selfish, I then planned to go home that weekend and hoped that would make my dad feel better. My mom then spoke to me about it and told me that I needed to take care of myself, and that my dad was just hurting. I swear God has funny timing. I guess its more perfect than funny. This book has just repeated 2 ideas for me. 1) I deal with my hurt in the same way my dad does, by getting mad and 2) I can't fix my family only God can, and I guess there is a third 3) In order for God to fix my family I have to be willing to allow him to fix me.
This conversation sparked a journey to my past that will probably never actually end.
I love my family so much and they have given me so many great qualities, but have also passed on some not so great ones. I don't just try to make sure my dad is happy, but also my mom and brother. This stems from my dad constantly trying to please his mom and him striving for acceptance from his abusive father. It also stems from my mom who never heard the words "I love you" from her dad until much later in life, and her mom who worked so much my mom hardly saw her. However from these same circumstances stems the fact that my parents have always supported me even when they don't agree with my decisions and tell me that they love me more times than I can count. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to accept others for who they are and accept myself for who I am. But still from this its hard for me to accept love. I remember over the summer on one of my floats with Mike, Mike asked me If I accepted God's love or allowed God to love me. And if I was completely honest, the answer is no. I feel like I have to earn God's love, I have to be the best young life leader, or the best speaker, etc. "I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable." pg 85 I need to be reminded of this daily. God loves us. He adopted us and cancelled all of our debts. Romans 8 talks about God's children running to him calling him "Abba." I want so badly to do that...but in order to do that I need to let him strip me of my past-my snake skin. (Voyage of the Dawn Treader) This journey is not going to be easy, but I have been so encouraged by everyone's posts and the opportunity to walk alongside this team as we all journey together.
Thank you for reading my ramblings and letting me process these two chapters through this blog!
Love you all so much!
Rolling in the Deep
"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear..."
- Adele
Isn't it interesting that it is in the dark, fiery, broken places of my life that I can see God crystal clear? It is like a fever breaking. It is the feeling of total desperation and complete inadequacy that makes me completely surrender and finally see God. I could not help but think of the above song when I read page 73. "But an authentic relationship with Christ also takes us into the depths - the shadows the strongholds and the darkness deep within our own souls that must be purged. Surrendering to this inward and downward journey is difficult and painful" No joke! As painful as the purging process is, I am so thankful that it is a sign that God is alive in me - He is working and active and does not let me get away. The pain and depth is also so beautiful because this is the fullness, marrow, humanity, and....stuff (for lack of a better word) of life. And God is right....HERE!
"God has given us the gospel to create a safe environment to look beneath the surface....I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable. I don't have to be right all the time...I can even take risks and fail. Why? Because God sees the 90 percent of the iceberg hidden below the surface, and he utterly, totally loves me in Christ." Cue George Michael music, "Freedom! Freedom!" The gospel is the biggest safety net in the world. Reading this was like taking a time-release medication. Throughout this week I have been remembering this sentence at random times and given a "zap-dose" of this freedom medication. It has sounded like this: "Nina, it is o.k., you can take this risk, you don't have to have an exact solution for this parent, it's ok you don't know what to do, it is o.k. to let your principal know that you are out of ideas, you can't "fix" Ross, it's not about you, it's ok to not know....etc."
Thank you, Lord, that I am valued, loved, and I have nothing left to prove.
"In fact, a church committed to emotional health is a messy place." Yes it is! There is no way we can "roll in the deep" without getting messy. There is no way we can ugly-cry pretty. This is the beauty of the church (Houseboats) - God has put us here together to be messy together. And I am beyond grateful to be a part of a staff who are committed to Christ and, with all of our scars and weaknesses, go out and be wounded healers.
Welcome to the Family- You'd better buckle-up...
As I
began to map a history of the Clayton/Ventura (Ballesteros, Antonucci) and it is filled with sacrifice, pain,
suffering, addiction, acceptance, and deliverance. Jesus is using this book and a few years of
life on the water to show me again how BIG He is!
I really appreciated when Scazerro talks about New birth
into spiritual family and the reference to Mark 3:33-35 "Then he looked at
those seated in the circle around him and said, Here are my mother and my
brothers! Whoever does God's will is my
brother and sister and mother. " How He consideres us worthy and valuable enough to call us brother/family!
Also
loved how he acknowledged the "Importance of Process"
" God does not give us amnesia or do emergency emotional/spiritual reconstructive surgery... We all come into the family of Jesus with broken bones, wounds and legs shot up in the war of life. God's intention is to heal our brokenness and patch up our wounds. He allows the scars and weakness to remain. We are then to go out and heal others as wounded healers. Discipleship, then, must include honest reflection on the positive and negative impact of our family of origin, as well as other major influences. This is hard work. Following Jesus is a process that takes time. (Scazzero P. 102-103 Emphasis added)So much freedom! I'm not going to be "fixed" overnight, those wounds and scars are there as a reminder of how BIG He is, and how much I need to cling to Him on this wild ride. God is so much bigger than my families genogram. You can believe that I'm seat belted in on this journey. It's not a quick trip to the store, but more like a drive across country, on icy roads, in the middle of the night with little sleep, a five hour energy, and a whole lot of road ahead...Ooh yeah! And we are towing a boat. The Journey!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Labrador Current (Titanic Killer)
Sorry for the tardy post! I was in the mountains this past weekend with the high schoolers for winter camp (but it was more like spring camp at 70 degrees everyday). But here we go! I loved these two chapters and couldn't wait to type it all down!
The "why" questions on page 82 were helpful for me to look beneath the surface my my own iceberg. One of the ones that took some time to unpack was:
Why am I so impatient?
Because i want things done on time. but more so, done on my time. I don't like it when I'm kept waiting. I'm most impatient on Wednesdays at 6:30 because the guys i lead in small group come late every week; no matter how many times i remind them to come on time. On the surface i'd like to say that its because i want them to be here for worship and hear the message. Sometimes I ask out of frustration, "God don't you want them here on time to listen and participate? As i peel that layer back, its really because I don't want to be sitting by myself or with just one or two students for the first 15 minutes. My question turns to, "Why are you leaving me out to dry right now?" I laugh while I type that because it is so stupid in retrospect, but that frustration is very real and shouldn't be ignored. I want my row to look like its full. I want a glittering image of a "good" small group leader with everyone there.
The genogram and the passing traits from generation to generation really interested me because I never have really examined my families past at all. The questions on page 98 sparked a lot of thought into how I was raised, and how i lead others.
Some of the influencers drawn from the questions on 98:
Cancer/Health complications/Death
Rules/discipline = (Major influence: fear)
I developed an unhealthy fear of my dad and we still have a somewhat strained relationship. He and i are both very strong willed and D's on the disc chart. So when i started thinking for myself and challenging rules, it was met with more discipline and punishment. We recently got into a shouting match last week about my post grad job and haven't found time to talk since.
I developed the need to be right all the time because i hated getting spanked (well who does?). Many times it happened after my sister blamed me for something i didn't do to her. So i became and still am defensive. I will go to great lengths to make sure i am in good standing. to make sure i am right. because i thought, "if i'm right and can prove my innocence, i wont get punished." (plays right into performance-based theology)
It was also instilled at an early age that A's were the expectation in our household. This stems from my grandparents down.This is another strong point in traditional korean culture. we were rewarded with money for straight A's on report cards all the way until high school. my grandfather even promised to pay my tuition if i got into stanford. thanks... but no thanks. Needless to say when i got my first C in highschool it did not go over well. But that was the best i could do. I voluntarily moved away to boarding school in Illinois to get away from the pressure at home and with my violin. (performance-again)
I had to practice violin 2 hours minimum a day. That was the rule when i decided to go 100%. My dad would sit down with me and we would often go past to 3 or sometimes 4 hours. I hated practicing, sacrificing vacation time, hanging out with friends, enjoying summers. the discipline ended up paying off with many concerts and awards. I was the best in southern california, but it got to my head and i became so selfish. I burned out during my senior year at boarding school and quit taking lessons. (performance-again)
Cancer/Health complications/Death
I realized that my family has a history of health problems and it has definitely influenced how i look at myself. In high school my mom had a cancer scare and it freaked me out because she had already gone through it twice. I became hyper-focused onto my body image, lifting, and what i ate. Body image is still one of the three things i hate about myself when going through the trainee material and it's been 4 years since first going through it the first time!
Wow, what a massive amount of stuff these chapters have dug up!!! I find this passage encouraging "A revelation of God's free grace gives us the courage to face the painful truths about ourselves. As we step out onto the tightrope of discovering the unpleasant things about ourselves, we have a safety net below - the gospel of Jesus Christ" (86).
The "why" questions on page 82 were helpful for me to look beneath the surface my my own iceberg. One of the ones that took some time to unpack was:
Why am I so impatient?
Because i want things done on time. but more so, done on my time. I don't like it when I'm kept waiting. I'm most impatient on Wednesdays at 6:30 because the guys i lead in small group come late every week; no matter how many times i remind them to come on time. On the surface i'd like to say that its because i want them to be here for worship and hear the message. Sometimes I ask out of frustration, "God don't you want them here on time to listen and participate? As i peel that layer back, its really because I don't want to be sitting by myself or with just one or two students for the first 15 minutes. My question turns to, "Why are you leaving me out to dry right now?" I laugh while I type that because it is so stupid in retrospect, but that frustration is very real and shouldn't be ignored. I want my row to look like its full. I want a glittering image of a "good" small group leader with everyone there.
The genogram and the passing traits from generation to generation really interested me because I never have really examined my families past at all. The questions on page 98 sparked a lot of thought into how I was raised, and how i lead others.
Some of the influencers drawn from the questions on 98:
- Strict adherence to rules/discipline (This is the traditional korean culture my parents were raised in. It emanates more so from my dad, who got it from his mom).
- rules around the house
- school
- VIOLIN
- spanking (ouch)
- Anger (my dad's mom has a fireball personality and her anger definitely transferred to my dad, and along to me)
- Talking about or showing emotion = weakness
- Feelings in general
- Crying
- Uncle (mom's brother): died young of leukemia
- Aunt (mom's sister): breast cancer (she's alive)
- Aunt (mom's sister): endometriosis
- Grandfather (mom's dad): alzheimer's
- Mom: two battles with thyroid cancer and almost a third while i was in high school
- Dad's side: high blood pressure and cholesterol
- Chris: roommate senior yr of high school passed away
Rules/discipline = (Major influence: fear)
I developed an unhealthy fear of my dad and we still have a somewhat strained relationship. He and i are both very strong willed and D's on the disc chart. So when i started thinking for myself and challenging rules, it was met with more discipline and punishment. We recently got into a shouting match last week about my post grad job and haven't found time to talk since.
I developed the need to be right all the time because i hated getting spanked (well who does?). Many times it happened after my sister blamed me for something i didn't do to her. So i became and still am defensive. I will go to great lengths to make sure i am in good standing. to make sure i am right. because i thought, "if i'm right and can prove my innocence, i wont get punished." (plays right into performance-based theology)
It was also instilled at an early age that A's were the expectation in our household. This stems from my grandparents down.This is another strong point in traditional korean culture. we were rewarded with money for straight A's on report cards all the way until high school. my grandfather even promised to pay my tuition if i got into stanford. thanks... but no thanks. Needless to say when i got my first C in highschool it did not go over well. But that was the best i could do. I voluntarily moved away to boarding school in Illinois to get away from the pressure at home and with my violin. (performance-again)
I had to practice violin 2 hours minimum a day. That was the rule when i decided to go 100%. My dad would sit down with me and we would often go past to 3 or sometimes 4 hours. I hated practicing, sacrificing vacation time, hanging out with friends, enjoying summers. the discipline ended up paying off with many concerts and awards. I was the best in southern california, but it got to my head and i became so selfish. I burned out during my senior year at boarding school and quit taking lessons. (performance-again)
Cancer/Health complications/Death
I realized that my family has a history of health problems and it has definitely influenced how i look at myself. In high school my mom had a cancer scare and it freaked me out because she had already gone through it twice. I became hyper-focused onto my body image, lifting, and what i ate. Body image is still one of the three things i hate about myself when going through the trainee material and it's been 4 years since first going through it the first time!
Wow, what a massive amount of stuff these chapters have dug up!!! I find this passage encouraging "A revelation of God's free grace gives us the courage to face the painful truths about ourselves. As we step out onto the tightrope of discovering the unpleasant things about ourselves, we have a safety net below - the gospel of Jesus Christ" (86).
One other "Cosmic Poke Coincidence" --- A Poem on God Invading Our Emotional Worlds from Many Years Ago ---
Another kingdom coincidence for me this week
Many years ago I shared a message on Valentine's Day (which occurred this week) on how God invades our emotional worlds.
In the message, we focused on Mathew's account of Jesus being transfigured (an amazing Vision of Christ) and also on his account of Jesus touching the disciples on the shoulder as fully man (a tender, in-carnational Vision of Christ.) We shared how our lives are just little tents/castles of sand that need to be intimately filled with the river of Christ's mercy and life. I wrote a song/poem about the message.
So, for the artsy fartsy crowd...... A Poem......
Would you step off the shore today
Many years ago I shared a message on Valentine's Day (which occurred this week) on how God invades our emotional worlds.
In the message, we focused on Mathew's account of Jesus being transfigured (an amazing Vision of Christ) and also on his account of Jesus touching the disciples on the shoulder as fully man (a tender, in-carnational Vision of Christ.) We shared how our lives are just little tents/castles of sand that need to be intimately filled with the river of Christ's mercy and life. I wrote a song/poem about the message.
So, for the artsy fartsy crowd...... A Poem......
God, I’ve been talking quite a bit
And I’m feeling a little stressed
From building castles in the sand
A vision would really help this dry and barren man.
Please, remind us that your spirit is in this place
Waiting to kiss us with kindness and grace
Flowing around us like liquid air
Ready to take the hands of those dare
God, I’ve been talking about your power and majesty
But I can’t see through the sorrows I keep
And I’m in the desert and not the promised land
And I’m tire of quenching my thirst with sand
Would you help me undress my hidden soul
Let those secrets in side that I won’t go
Finally find a place as I confess, to the one who would
never love me less
So I walked up the mountain side
I laid down before a surging tide
For a moment I feared for my life
I felt my heart meltin’ like fire on ice
And a hand reached out to touch my face
I heard God say friend don’t you be afraid
And a smile spread across God’s mouth
And when laughed in our hearts and we laughed out loud.
Its Valentine’s day and forever more
I want to be set free from keeping score
Of all my rights and all my wrongs
God wash them away with your river songs
Would you step off the shore today
Will you risk with a partner who can dance on waves
Like the beach is kissed by the sea
Would you let him kiss you with the mystery
Of God coming alive here in you and me.
Stinky Fragrant Cosmic Pokes - An Example of God Perfecting Randomness to Break My Dark, Scared, Empty Shell of Self-Creation
Although painful and tragic, I saw humor in the root of the Poisonwood Tree title (no pun intended.) How often do I think I’ve
communicated a point well and then find out after the fact due to “inflection”
or some other subtle verbal or non-verbal cue the message was
misinterpreted?” I am
literally laughing right now as I imagine the scene. –The preacher in his mind is
proclaiming Christ is glorious while not perceiving that his message is being
received as “Christ is the worst possible thing you could ever imagine.” Soooo funny and soooo descriptive of
the painful challenge poised each day for each of us who accept the call to be
in leadership. I love
Paul’s question about his leadership with the Corinthians, “who is competent
for these things?” (2
Corinthians 2) I
definitely land on that chapter in my bible from time to time.
Echoing in my head as I read chapters 5 and 6 were these words from the Super Ultra about Discipline. “Focusing on the fullness of your creator is a daily discipline. The more you focus on your creator’s fullness, the more you perceive your own emptiness. As the creator fills the secret, empty recesses of your soul your countenance reflects the creator’s fullness. Leaders and followers are desperately seeking those who carry on them the fragrance of Christ. So why do so few seem to wear the person of Christ like a garment or perfume? The challenge is that the fullness of your creator is not something that you acquire. It is freely and extravagantly given. What lacks is the discipline and resolve to commune intimately with the creator’s abundance.”
Interestingly, the metaphor of fragrance in the super ultra is also captured in 2 Corinthians 2. Even more interesting to me at least is the tie between fragrance of life and stench of death in 2 Corinthians 2. Thinking about the gospel, fragrance, & stench makes me wonder if proclaiming the stench of death wasn’t that far off in the Poisonwood story. Maybe the discipline of encountering life and repealing death involves the uncomfortable proclamation of Poisonwood. In other words, “Poison Wood and Glorious” are perhaps two sides of the same coin stolen from Christ’s Kingdom treasure by our greedy hands. Hmmmm.
Echoing in my head as I read chapters 5 and 6 were these words from the Super Ultra about Discipline. “Focusing on the fullness of your creator is a daily discipline. The more you focus on your creator’s fullness, the more you perceive your own emptiness. As the creator fills the secret, empty recesses of your soul your countenance reflects the creator’s fullness. Leaders and followers are desperately seeking those who carry on them the fragrance of Christ. So why do so few seem to wear the person of Christ like a garment or perfume? The challenge is that the fullness of your creator is not something that you acquire. It is freely and extravagantly given. What lacks is the discipline and resolve to commune intimately with the creator’s abundance.”
Interestingly, the metaphor of fragrance in the super ultra is also captured in 2 Corinthians 2. Even more interesting to me at least is the tie between fragrance of life and stench of death in 2 Corinthians 2. Thinking about the gospel, fragrance, & stench makes me wonder if proclaiming the stench of death wasn’t that far off in the Poisonwood story. Maybe the discipline of encountering life and repealing death involves the uncomfortable proclamation of Poisonwood. In other words, “Poison Wood and Glorious” are perhaps two sides of the same coin stolen from Christ’s Kingdom treasure by our greedy hands. Hmmmm.
Speaking of interesting ties, I’ve never heard the word
genogram in all my life and yet two weeks ago I completed a genogram when a gal
filled in for a couple weeks as the teacher of a leadership class I am
attending.
I might be alone on this point, but time and time and time
and time again I see how God orchestrates my life to reveal His working through
seemingly unrelated activities. So
in this instance, I see it like this - For 44 years I’ve lived with no
mention of genograms and in two weeks I got two completely separate folks
talking about genograms. In
the leadership class I’m in we had a workshop where we each completed the
genogram. So I completed this genogram thing and then a few days later I'm
reading about it in this book.
In Facebook they have this thing called a “poke” I
guess. I’ve never poked anyone before
but I’ve been poked a few times. I
looked it up on yahoo answers and I found this one “A poke is when you allow someone to see your facebook page for 3 days,
so they can know who you are and hopefully add you as a friend.”
Again, I
might be alone on this point but I would describe this genogram coincidence and
really (you can doubt my credibility here) countless others coincidences like
this as “cosmic pokes.” God, for whatever
reason, wakes me up from this dream that I am my own creation and invites me to
look into the tomb, into the belly of the beast, where he descended for me in
love into the very depths of hell and died for me so that I might live.
God sustains all things and fills all things and yet I’m
always surprised when I see Him holding all things together intimately around
me. When I see God
revealing His orchestration of time and space around me I feel encouraged,
cared for, loved, and secure. In
summary, seeing God work in and around me provides some incredibly powerful and
positive emotional vibrations.
He is an amazing God. And He’s good. And He sets us free again and again and again. THANK YOU JESUS!
He is an amazing God. And He’s good. And He sets us free again and again and again. THANK YOU JESUS!
Thanks to Micaela....
I forgot to share this...
I really enjoyed this approach of not merely blaming your family dysfunction for why you're screwed up but instead saying, "I'm inherently sinful. So are the people closest to me in my life. And this inherent sinfulness has been passed down to me. Here are the effects..."
At the admin retreat during one of the sessions Micaela mentioned about her dad and crying....I responded with, "Oh $*&^#*(!!!!, That is me with my kids."
While Kelly and I were going through the questions a theme for me that kept coming up was - Put your head down, work hard, don't complain, don't cry about your circumstances, basically don't engage your emotions until all the work is done! While all is true and I believe every word..... I can see how I got that from my Mom and I am currently passing that down to my kids in not a healthy way. I also had a glimpse of the docks and how I approach the staff during the summer.
"Do your work! We will talk later when all the work is done." I still agree with that statement and attitude, but I have been convicted on the part about talking when all the work is done. I am usually too tired to listen or not available. I am sorry if I have ever treated you like this. =)
I really enjoyed this approach of not merely blaming your family dysfunction for why you're screwed up but instead saying, "I'm inherently sinful. So are the people closest to me in my life. And this inherent sinfulness has been passed down to me. Here are the effects..."
At the admin retreat during one of the sessions Micaela mentioned about her dad and crying....I responded with, "Oh $*&^#*(!!!!, That is me with my kids."
While Kelly and I were going through the questions a theme for me that kept coming up was - Put your head down, work hard, don't complain, don't cry about your circumstances, basically don't engage your emotions until all the work is done! While all is true and I believe every word..... I can see how I got that from my Mom and I am currently passing that down to my kids in not a healthy way. I also had a glimpse of the docks and how I approach the staff during the summer.
"Do your work! We will talk later when all the work is done." I still agree with that statement and attitude, but I have been convicted on the part about talking when all the work is done. I am usually too tired to listen or not available. I am sorry if I have ever treated you like this. =)
Marriage....now you have 2 families....WHAT?!!!!
Chapters 5-6 were really fun for me. Kelly and I tackled the questions on page 98 together over a period of 3 days. Every morning we would wake up a little earlier than normal, have some coffee, and start crying! As we worked through the chapters it was great to see how God has been healing the past over the last 12 years. Along with the healing has come new discoveries of pain and joy. For my family I can look back on my parents 48 years of marriage and see how their commitment to Christ and each other has shaped me and my view of marriage. I can look back and see how their decision to raise 3 children under the authority of Christ has shaped my view of raising 3 children under the authority of Christ. My past and upbringing has no doubt shaped who I am today. BUT the harder I look into the past the clearer I see JESUS. God's faithfulness is evident all over all of our "genograms" ("Chit-Gino!!!!!") Yes it is "my" story but it is God's story at the same time running parallel to mine - weaving in and out to the point where when I look back I don't even see me or my story, but all I can see by the grace of God is HIS STORY! I have so many thoughts that I need to wrap it up for now - All I want to do is preach and I need to just share =)
More to come on these 2 chapters!
More to come on these 2 chapters!
Monday, February 17, 2014
Family Patterns
As I read this chapter and the suggestions about making a genogram, I kept a mental list of the things I knew about my extended family's relationships. Truth be told, it's not much. I never knew either of my grandmothers, and both my parents' dads passed away by the time I was in junior high. My aunts and uncles didn't live nearby so I've never really had much intimate interaction with most of my extended family.
The little bit that I do know lines up pretty well with what I've experienced with my parents. There is a definite trend of divorce on both sides and the other main thing I notice is that there is a huge tendency to withdraw from conflict. (I'm sure there's more generational trends present, but they are beyond what I've seen or been told about.)
When I think back to the things that shaped me the most during high school, the one thing that comes to mind is my parents divorce. "A critical part of growing into maturity with Christ needs to include addressing these issues and how they impact who [I am] in the present, both positively and negatively" (100). [Positive:] My parents divorce in high school pushed me straight to the church, the church was a safe haven for me. A place away from the hurt at home, a place where I felt people loved me, a place where I wanted to me. And I am so thankful for role that the church and my youth group played in my life during high school. [Negative:] But as much as I say that my parents divorce pushed me there, I could also say that I RAN there. I withdrew from the conflict at home, I ran from it to the only place I knew to go. (And praise Jesus it was the church and not somewhere else!) I taught myself that if I just left everything would be fine. And I saw that tendency in my parents as well. Many times when conflict would arise, one or both would completely withdraw, pretend like it wasn't happening...until it would all blow up (and that sure was fun).
And so that's what I do to this day, I withdraw from conflict - and I believe that to be due to the way my family operated/still does operate. I also think part of that is because I always want to please people, so I don't want them to know if I'm angry or upset with them. So I just pretend nothing happened - at least when I'm talking to the person I'm in conflict with, but when I talk to other people I voice my frustration and anger. And eventually, after it's welled up inside me for long enough it tends to just explode (many times during a near death ride in a fishing boat or while getting drenched by the "fists of glory" on the patio boat - thanks Reid =]).
And I know that this tendency is all too true in my relationships with my own family, but also with my friends. I know it's something that will be easy to fall into when conflict arises on the water. But my hope is that through knowing it now, knowing where it comes from, and knowing how to combat this "emotionally unhealthy" response to conflict that I won't fall into it this summer. And when I do (because I'm sure I will) - you guys will know about it too and will be able to encourage/challenge me out of the patterns of my family.
The little bit that I do know lines up pretty well with what I've experienced with my parents. There is a definite trend of divorce on both sides and the other main thing I notice is that there is a huge tendency to withdraw from conflict. (I'm sure there's more generational trends present, but they are beyond what I've seen or been told about.)
When I think back to the things that shaped me the most during high school, the one thing that comes to mind is my parents divorce. "A critical part of growing into maturity with Christ needs to include addressing these issues and how they impact who [I am] in the present, both positively and negatively" (100). [Positive:] My parents divorce in high school pushed me straight to the church, the church was a safe haven for me. A place away from the hurt at home, a place where I felt people loved me, a place where I wanted to me. And I am so thankful for role that the church and my youth group played in my life during high school. [Negative:] But as much as I say that my parents divorce pushed me there, I could also say that I RAN there. I withdrew from the conflict at home, I ran from it to the only place I knew to go. (And praise Jesus it was the church and not somewhere else!) I taught myself that if I just left everything would be fine. And I saw that tendency in my parents as well. Many times when conflict would arise, one or both would completely withdraw, pretend like it wasn't happening...until it would all blow up (and that sure was fun).
And so that's what I do to this day, I withdraw from conflict - and I believe that to be due to the way my family operated/still does operate. I also think part of that is because I always want to please people, so I don't want them to know if I'm angry or upset with them. So I just pretend nothing happened - at least when I'm talking to the person I'm in conflict with, but when I talk to other people I voice my frustration and anger. And eventually, after it's welled up inside me for long enough it tends to just explode (many times during a near death ride in a fishing boat or while getting drenched by the "fists of glory" on the patio boat - thanks Reid =]).
And I know that this tendency is all too true in my relationships with my own family, but also with my friends. I know it's something that will be easy to fall into when conflict arises on the water. But my hope is that through knowing it now, knowing where it comes from, and knowing how to combat this "emotionally unhealthy" response to conflict that I won't fall into it this summer. And when I do (because I'm sure I will) - you guys will know about it too and will be able to encourage/challenge me out of the patterns of my family.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Oh family
Chapter 6
Wow! Absolutely LOVED this chapter! So incredibly helpful in processing the past in a healthy and realistic way. Watch out! This is going to be long.
Some quotes that I enjoyed:
"Like everyone in the human race, I too descended from the family tree of Adam and Eve. Their intent after they disobeyed God was to shield and defend themselves from God and each other. This aim of protecting ourselves from God and other manifests in different ways- controlling, fixing, anxiety, frustration, fear, withdrawing, ignoring, denying, pacifying, or loneliness, anxiety, frustration, resentment, blaming, and more." (pg 92)
I particularly resonated with BLAME (oh boy I do that). IGNORING and PACIFYING.
Loved basically all of Page 102 and 103- especially that long quote on 103.
"We are then to go out and heal others as wounded healers." (102)
" But the extent to which we can go back and understand how it has shaped us will determine, to a large degree, our level of awareness and our ability to break destructive patterns, pass on constructive legacies, and grow in love towards God and people." (pg 103)
Loved on the bottom of 103 his reflection on how he views people and why and then asking himself "How does God view those people?" SO GOOD!
Personal Realizations:
Soooooo, naturally I made a genogram as I read this chapter dissecting both my families and my parents families. I wish so badly I had it in front of me to delve deeply into it but here's some of what I discovered.
Generational themes in my family:
1) DIVORCE (4 places in my intermediate family!)
2) Anger (Passed from my Grandpa, to my Dad, to me)
3) Discontent/Disatisfaction (Passed from my Grandma, to my Dad, to me)
These 3 seemed to be the most reoccurring throughout the graph.
(This is going to sounds egotistical but...) One of the last things I expected to discover through this is that I am the hero in the family. I was the first kid to go to college, I've always been athletic, been fairly successful in school, been proactive about following Christ and have always been generally obedient and a rule follower. I'm often used as a measuring stick for my younger siblings. I'm my mother's only biological child which certainly has caused her to dote on me. In my Dad's family, I am the oldest and have always sought to have a good relationship with every member in the family and am therefore viewed as the "good child." (Number 11)
(Number 10 and Number 7) My ethnicity has allowed me to grow up extremely privileged and I am so thankful that my parents have always been financially responsible and organized despite their opposite backgrounds. (Dad- grew up very poor. Mom- grew up well off.)
(Number 3)
*** My family does not hash out conflict! Generationally, my Dad's side of the family confront, yell, get angry, then don't speak about it but hold a grudge. Generationally, my Mom's side, want to believe everything is fine so they don't talk about it and just ignore that anything hurtful happened and just get over it (the rose colored glasses syndrome).
I think one of the most interesting things that I learned, that I truly believe God revealed to me was the phrase: "My father's love is conditional." This is something I know to be true about my own father. He has told me this himself. I've seen the extent of this most tangibly in the last few months as my Dad and brother have not been on speaking terms since late August. My dad has told me that the idea of parent's love being unconditional isn't true and that kids can do things that damage the parent-child relationship beyond repair. When God spoke this phrase into my mind as I created my genograph I realized how deeply imbedded this concept is in my relationship with Him. If I'm not a good enough believer, if I don't love God perfectly enough, serve perfectly, all with the perfect motives then he scolds me and is disappointed that I can't figure out our relationship.
I really enjoyed this approach of not merely blaming your family dysfunction for why you're screwed up but instead saying, "I'm inherently sinful. So are the people closest to me in my life. And this inherent sinfulness has been passed down to me. Here are the effects..."
I love my father dearly. There is no relationship in my life that crucifies me more and that causes me to pause and take a good long look at my heart. For this I am most sincerely thankful.
Wow! Absolutely LOVED this chapter! So incredibly helpful in processing the past in a healthy and realistic way. Watch out! This is going to be long.
Some quotes that I enjoyed:
"Like everyone in the human race, I too descended from the family tree of Adam and Eve. Their intent after they disobeyed God was to shield and defend themselves from God and each other. This aim of protecting ourselves from God and other manifests in different ways- controlling, fixing, anxiety, frustration, fear, withdrawing, ignoring, denying, pacifying, or loneliness, anxiety, frustration, resentment, blaming, and more." (pg 92)
I particularly resonated with BLAME (oh boy I do that). IGNORING and PACIFYING.
Loved basically all of Page 102 and 103- especially that long quote on 103.
"We are then to go out and heal others as wounded healers." (102)
" But the extent to which we can go back and understand how it has shaped us will determine, to a large degree, our level of awareness and our ability to break destructive patterns, pass on constructive legacies, and grow in love towards God and people." (pg 103)
Loved on the bottom of 103 his reflection on how he views people and why and then asking himself "How does God view those people?" SO GOOD!
Personal Realizations:
Soooooo, naturally I made a genogram as I read this chapter dissecting both my families and my parents families. I wish so badly I had it in front of me to delve deeply into it but here's some of what I discovered.
Generational themes in my family:
1) DIVORCE (4 places in my intermediate family!)
2) Anger (Passed from my Grandpa, to my Dad, to me)
3) Discontent/Disatisfaction (Passed from my Grandma, to my Dad, to me)
These 3 seemed to be the most reoccurring throughout the graph.
(This is going to sounds egotistical but...) One of the last things I expected to discover through this is that I am the hero in the family. I was the first kid to go to college, I've always been athletic, been fairly successful in school, been proactive about following Christ and have always been generally obedient and a rule follower. I'm often used as a measuring stick for my younger siblings. I'm my mother's only biological child which certainly has caused her to dote on me. In my Dad's family, I am the oldest and have always sought to have a good relationship with every member in the family and am therefore viewed as the "good child." (Number 11)
(Number 10 and Number 7) My ethnicity has allowed me to grow up extremely privileged and I am so thankful that my parents have always been financially responsible and organized despite their opposite backgrounds. (Dad- grew up very poor. Mom- grew up well off.)
(Number 3)
*** My family does not hash out conflict! Generationally, my Dad's side of the family confront, yell, get angry, then don't speak about it but hold a grudge. Generationally, my Mom's side, want to believe everything is fine so they don't talk about it and just ignore that anything hurtful happened and just get over it (the rose colored glasses syndrome).
I think one of the most interesting things that I learned, that I truly believe God revealed to me was the phrase: "My father's love is conditional." This is something I know to be true about my own father. He has told me this himself. I've seen the extent of this most tangibly in the last few months as my Dad and brother have not been on speaking terms since late August. My dad has told me that the idea of parent's love being unconditional isn't true and that kids can do things that damage the parent-child relationship beyond repair. When God spoke this phrase into my mind as I created my genograph I realized how deeply imbedded this concept is in my relationship with Him. If I'm not a good enough believer, if I don't love God perfectly enough, serve perfectly, all with the perfect motives then he scolds me and is disappointed that I can't figure out our relationship.
I really enjoyed this approach of not merely blaming your family dysfunction for why you're screwed up but instead saying, "I'm inherently sinful. So are the people closest to me in my life. And this inherent sinfulness has been passed down to me. Here are the effects..."
I love my father dearly. There is no relationship in my life that crucifies me more and that causes me to pause and take a good long look at my heart. For this I am most sincerely thankful.
The journey inward and the influence of family
Boy oh boy! This book has really challenged me! Chapter 5 and 6 hit me right in the gut. I have been constantly thinking about these chapters this week as I have not only been looking at my role in church leadership but even in my work through the school district as a leader. I'm realizing the impact that my family and my own journey inward has on the way that I lead.
In looking at my own journey of faith and road to leadership I have certainly struggled with the journey inward and really 'peeling the scales" off of my own life (page 76), I am struck with how we often will tell Jesus, "I got it, I got it, I see I need to peel a layer off and then I am good to go" when really it is so much deeper than that, we are not able to go deep and get to the root of the scales like Jesus can. That requires so much time and trust and in this busy world where expectations are high, there is "no time" for that. BUT once we get to that root place and allow the scales to be peeled to the point where they cannot grow back with only Jesus who can do it, where we are able to experience who Jesus has made us to be and it is an incredible place to be, I love on page 78, "In the same way, a deep awareness of what we are feeling and doing gives us the courage to begin doing life differently (and hopefully more in line with God's will) and developing new, healthier relational patterns". That deep awareness and peeling of the scales of lies that have covered my heart and my life allow a freedom that is unbelievable. To experience that freedom in leadership is unbeatable, there is rest in that leadership not fear, there is confidence not questions, there is joy in the struggle not frustration, there is growth and not wilting. I also appreciated the connection of our family to our leadership style, in recent years I have really begun to examine my family and my role in my family and how that plays into my life through work, marriage, parenting and friendships. This is huge! How I interact, view and lead can be linked directly back to my family, this is something that is often not given merit and has been really interesting for me to look at in relation to my faith and journey. This is something that as he mentioned needs to be revisited often as it may pop up in different ways in different leadership moments. The influence of a family is powerful!
These 2 chapters were great to pair together because as we are looking beneath the surface we have to look at the patterns that have formed in the past, as I believe so many of those patterns from the past are what is sitting beneath the surface and until we can grip those I am going to struggle as a leader.
I am eager to continue to move through this book, this quote although simple and not new, hit me in a refreshing way this week, " The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed that you ever dared to believe, yet you are more accepted and loved that you ever dared hope because Jesus lived and died in your place, " Page 83.
Praise the Lord!
In looking at my own journey of faith and road to leadership I have certainly struggled with the journey inward and really 'peeling the scales" off of my own life (page 76), I am struck with how we often will tell Jesus, "I got it, I got it, I see I need to peel a layer off and then I am good to go" when really it is so much deeper than that, we are not able to go deep and get to the root of the scales like Jesus can. That requires so much time and trust and in this busy world where expectations are high, there is "no time" for that. BUT once we get to that root place and allow the scales to be peeled to the point where they cannot grow back with only Jesus who can do it, where we are able to experience who Jesus has made us to be and it is an incredible place to be, I love on page 78, "In the same way, a deep awareness of what we are feeling and doing gives us the courage to begin doing life differently (and hopefully more in line with God's will) and developing new, healthier relational patterns". That deep awareness and peeling of the scales of lies that have covered my heart and my life allow a freedom that is unbelievable. To experience that freedom in leadership is unbeatable, there is rest in that leadership not fear, there is confidence not questions, there is joy in the struggle not frustration, there is growth and not wilting. I also appreciated the connection of our family to our leadership style, in recent years I have really begun to examine my family and my role in my family and how that plays into my life through work, marriage, parenting and friendships. This is huge! How I interact, view and lead can be linked directly back to my family, this is something that is often not given merit and has been really interesting for me to look at in relation to my faith and journey. This is something that as he mentioned needs to be revisited often as it may pop up in different ways in different leadership moments. The influence of a family is powerful!
These 2 chapters were great to pair together because as we are looking beneath the surface we have to look at the patterns that have formed in the past, as I believe so many of those patterns from the past are what is sitting beneath the surface and until we can grip those I am going to struggle as a leader.
I am eager to continue to move through this book, this quote although simple and not new, hit me in a refreshing way this week, " The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed that you ever dared to believe, yet you are more accepted and loved that you ever dared hope because Jesus lived and died in your place, " Page 83.
Praise the Lord!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Am I Willing?
Dang - Chapter 5 is riddled with so much good stuff. I'll hit Chapter 6 in another post.
"If I am willing to go deep beneath the iceberg of my present self, I have to be willing to suffer the discomfort and pain that is a part of pioneering new parts of myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly." (77) - Am I willing to do that? Discomfort and pain is not something that I enjoy feeling, and I definitely don't enjoy walking into something know that's what I'm going to feel. I run from those situations, I do everything I can to avoid them - and the emotions associated. Why? Probably this next quote:
"We are more worried about what other people think of us than about wrestling with our feelings and motivations." (79) - This kind of goes back to part of what I talked about in my last blog - what are people going to think of me if I actually show my emotions, if I show that I don't have everything together?
"The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, yet you are more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope because Jesus lived and died in your place." (83) - Wait, so it's not because of the things I do or how "good" I portray myself to be...oh, right. I remember now!
"I didn't think I would be liked or allowed to lead if I was not strong and together. ... I don't have to prove myself to anyone. ... I am perfectly loved and accepted by God ... I love knowing I have nothing left to prove because I am valued, loved, and accepted by Jesus Christ. ... I am free to fail, to share my weaknesses and needs with others, to admit I too have struggles, to admit "I was wrong, please forgive me," to recognize that I don't have all the answers, and to relax, not thinking I have to take care of everyone else." (84) - Story of my life. This is so characteristic of my second driver summer. I feel like that was the first time that I was able to share my struggles and weaknesses with my team and know that despite those things I was still loved.
"He calls me his beloved because of Christ's flawlessness, not mine." (85) - AMEN!
"God has given us the gospel to create a safe environment to look beneath the surface. I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable. I don't have to be right all the time. I can be vulnerable even if others don't accept me. I can even take risks and fail. Why? Because God sees the 90% of the iceberg hidden beneath the surface, and he utterly and totally loves me in Christ." (85) - Once again, such good news that we are loved despite what we do. I'm so thankful for the truth of the gospel.
With all the talk and reflection on how much I am loved despite the iceberg beneath surface - I still come back to that question of - am I willing to suffer the discomfort and pain of diving in?
"The real horror is how easy it is to remain in a comfortable, distorted illusion about our lives. Something may not be true, but we become so used to it that it feels right. Other who live and work closely with us can usually pick up some of our inconsistencies and defensive maneuvers. Few, however, have the courage and skill to point them out in a mature, loving way." (73) - The first part of that quote is just another thing that rings so true for my life: easy to remain comfortable, and so used to it that it feels right. But, I truly believe that you guys are those few it mentions at the end. The support I know I have in you guys makes this journey a little bit easier...not to say that it's not still hard. But knowing I'm not in it alone is comforting enough.
"If I am willing to go deep beneath the iceberg of my present self, I have to be willing to suffer the discomfort and pain that is a part of pioneering new parts of myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly." (77) - Am I willing to do that? Discomfort and pain is not something that I enjoy feeling, and I definitely don't enjoy walking into something know that's what I'm going to feel. I run from those situations, I do everything I can to avoid them - and the emotions associated. Why? Probably this next quote:
"We are more worried about what other people think of us than about wrestling with our feelings and motivations." (79) - This kind of goes back to part of what I talked about in my last blog - what are people going to think of me if I actually show my emotions, if I show that I don't have everything together?
"The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, yet you are more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope because Jesus lived and died in your place." (83) - Wait, so it's not because of the things I do or how "good" I portray myself to be...oh, right. I remember now!
"I didn't think I would be liked or allowed to lead if I was not strong and together. ... I don't have to prove myself to anyone. ... I am perfectly loved and accepted by God ... I love knowing I have nothing left to prove because I am valued, loved, and accepted by Jesus Christ. ... I am free to fail, to share my weaknesses and needs with others, to admit I too have struggles, to admit "I was wrong, please forgive me," to recognize that I don't have all the answers, and to relax, not thinking I have to take care of everyone else." (84) - Story of my life. This is so characteristic of my second driver summer. I feel like that was the first time that I was able to share my struggles and weaknesses with my team and know that despite those things I was still loved.
"He calls me his beloved because of Christ's flawlessness, not mine." (85) - AMEN!
"God has given us the gospel to create a safe environment to look beneath the surface. I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable. I don't have to be right all the time. I can be vulnerable even if others don't accept me. I can even take risks and fail. Why? Because God sees the 90% of the iceberg hidden beneath the surface, and he utterly and totally loves me in Christ." (85) - Once again, such good news that we are loved despite what we do. I'm so thankful for the truth of the gospel.
With all the talk and reflection on how much I am loved despite the iceberg beneath surface - I still come back to that question of - am I willing to suffer the discomfort and pain of diving in?
"The real horror is how easy it is to remain in a comfortable, distorted illusion about our lives. Something may not be true, but we become so used to it that it feels right. Other who live and work closely with us can usually pick up some of our inconsistencies and defensive maneuvers. Few, however, have the courage and skill to point them out in a mature, loving way." (73) - The first part of that quote is just another thing that rings so true for my life: easy to remain comfortable, and so used to it that it feels right. But, I truly believe that you guys are those few it mentions at the end. The support I know I have in you guys makes this journey a little bit easier...not to say that it's not still hard. But knowing I'm not in it alone is comforting enough.
Something Wrong With Your Eyes? HAVE YOU BEEN CRYING? Were you chopping onions?
The questions asked to EVERY trainee by drivers, barneys, or students. I admit, I'm so guilty for asking it... as if something is WRONG that needs to "be fixed." I'm a guy... I fix stuff.
1. awareness of what you are feeling and doing
2. Asking the "why"/ what's going on (motivation) question
3. liking the gospel and emotional health
4. getting rid of our glittering images.
I feel the beginnings of a trainee float here... Like Reid said when we started this book, I think it affirms what the camp already does.
I find myself thinking back to the trainee floats experienced over the years. The incredible thing that I have witnessed, with trainee's and myself as a participant, is how houseboats can incubate this journey, and how it can be lived out on and off the water. Every so often I read Facebook updates of former staff who will mention their time on the water and how Christ uses this camp to show us how BIG He is! For years, and years, and years, He has used water, boats and relationship with Him to draw so many!
The end of Chapter 5 reminds me of the last question of trainee float...
"The determining factor in our relationship with God is not our past or present record or performance. It is Jesus' past record that has been credited to my account as a gift." (TEHC pg. 85)
The Journey!!! No there isn't anything wrong with my eyes... yes I have been crying... and no it isn't because of onions! I'm journeying with Jesus!
I'm excited to see where Chapter 6 goes! Blog you later.
1. awareness of what you are feeling and doing
2. Asking the "why"/ what's going on (motivation) question
3. liking the gospel and emotional health
4. getting rid of our glittering images.
I feel the beginnings of a trainee float here... Like Reid said when we started this book, I think it affirms what the camp already does.
I find myself thinking back to the trainee floats experienced over the years. The incredible thing that I have witnessed, with trainee's and myself as a participant, is how houseboats can incubate this journey, and how it can be lived out on and off the water. Every so often I read Facebook updates of former staff who will mention their time on the water and how Christ uses this camp to show us how BIG He is! For years, and years, and years, He has used water, boats and relationship with Him to draw so many!
The end of Chapter 5 reminds me of the last question of trainee float...
"The determining factor in our relationship with God is not our past or present record or performance. It is Jesus' past record that has been credited to my account as a gift." (TEHC pg. 85)
The Journey!!! No there isn't anything wrong with my eyes... yes I have been crying... and no it isn't because of onions! I'm journeying with Jesus!
I'm excited to see where Chapter 6 goes! Blog you later.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
I Second That Emotion
"The only problem is that we are more than spiritual beings. God made us whole people, in his image (see Gen. 1:27). That includes physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social dimensions."
Yes, God made us WHOLE people. We may be broken, but we are whole. I am very guilty of paying attention to my spiritual, intellectual, social, and physical self, but how often I dismiss the emotional self. I have made myself to be a 4/5 person. I did not grow up in a very emotional/touchy-feely household, and it was and is very easy to sweep emotions aside. This passage screams, "Attention must be paid!"
"Denying anger, ignoring pain, skipping over depression, running from loneliness, avoiding doubts....has become a way of working out our spiritual lives."
For years I thought that if I shared or thought anything related to anger, pain, loneliness, etc. then I would just be COMPLAINING. And I never wanted to be "that person." I can even remember during my driver years on houseboats never wanting to even peep the words, "I'm tired" for fear that I would be perceived as a complainer. What a danger and a lie to think that way. What damage I was doing. How small I made God out to be, thinking He could not USE these feelings and break through them. "Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God." I still struggle with some these same feelings today. Lord, I want to be real with you in my emotions. I want to meet YOU!
"We forget that change comes through brutal honesty and vulnerability before God." Oh, how true this is! Why is it so hard for us [read: me] to be honest before God? Is it because I am afraid of what I am going to hear back? Is it that I don't want to face the hard truths and realities of life? Is it because if I say it, then it's real? Yes, Yes, and Yes.
"The spiritual-discipleship approaches of the churches and ministries that had shaped my faith had no language, theology, or training to help me in this area." Emotions have a language. I believe that many of us do not utilize, or have a grasp of, the words in that emotional dictionary. As I get older, and have been very fortunate to have friends who are very good at this. They can put a name to their emotions, identify feelings, express what their needs are, etc. I, unfortunately, am not as good. I am taking baby steps toward developing an emotional language, however. I have far to go. I am hoping this study will provide me with some pages to add to that dictionary.
Yes, God made us WHOLE people. We may be broken, but we are whole. I am very guilty of paying attention to my spiritual, intellectual, social, and physical self, but how often I dismiss the emotional self. I have made myself to be a 4/5 person. I did not grow up in a very emotional/touchy-feely household, and it was and is very easy to sweep emotions aside. This passage screams, "Attention must be paid!"
"Denying anger, ignoring pain, skipping over depression, running from loneliness, avoiding doubts....has become a way of working out our spiritual lives."
For years I thought that if I shared or thought anything related to anger, pain, loneliness, etc. then I would just be COMPLAINING. And I never wanted to be "that person." I can even remember during my driver years on houseboats never wanting to even peep the words, "I'm tired" for fear that I would be perceived as a complainer. What a danger and a lie to think that way. What damage I was doing. How small I made God out to be, thinking He could not USE these feelings and break through them. "Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God." I still struggle with some these same feelings today. Lord, I want to be real with you in my emotions. I want to meet YOU!
"We forget that change comes through brutal honesty and vulnerability before God." Oh, how true this is! Why is it so hard for us [read: me] to be honest before God? Is it because I am afraid of what I am going to hear back? Is it that I don't want to face the hard truths and realities of life? Is it because if I say it, then it's real? Yes, Yes, and Yes.
"The spiritual-discipleship approaches of the churches and ministries that had shaped my faith had no language, theology, or training to help me in this area." Emotions have a language. I believe that many of us do not utilize, or have a grasp of, the words in that emotional dictionary. As I get older, and have been very fortunate to have friends who are very good at this. They can put a name to their emotions, identify feelings, express what their needs are, etc. I, unfortunately, am not as good. I am taking baby steps toward developing an emotional language, however. I have far to go. I am hoping this study will provide me with some pages to add to that dictionary.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
U-G-L-Y I ain't got no alibi
Good morning there lovely teammates!
These two chapters are kind of long so I'm gonna blog for each of them.
As I read through Chapter 5 I found myself wanting to keep writing in the margins "Summer 2012! Summer 2012! Summer 2012!" It felt like this chapter explained so perfectly why my first summer with Sonshine was so incredibly life changing for me. It was my first big dose of self-awareness. I think through the trainee material, community of Christ followers, a wonderful person floating me, and most importantly the Holy Spirit's perfect timing and guidance, I, for the first time maybe ever, got a clear look deep below the tip of the iceberg.
I loved on page 83 when he says:
"Once we begin looking beneath the surface of our lives, we encounter an abyss of ugliness that can be frightening." and "The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, yet you are more accepted and loved than you ever dared to hope because Jesus lived and died in your place."
Pg. 86 "A revelation of God's grace gives us the courage to face the painful truth about ourselves."
Man, I just remember being fixated on that word- UGLY- when my eyes were opened to what I saw in myself. And after some time of coming to terms with that ugliness, God's grace enlivened me (and continues to) more than ever before. That summer, like I said, was life changing and I've seen over the months since how that has enabled me to mature in my relationship with Jesus. That being said, I know there is much exploring and discovering yet to be done. I'm nervous for the ways that God is going to provide opportunities to delve a little deeper in the next few days, weeks, months, during summer, heck! The rest of my life! but..... In the past it had brought so much freedom and hope and such worship in my heart of our God. SO, because of that, I look forward to it.
These two chapters are kind of long so I'm gonna blog for each of them.
As I read through Chapter 5 I found myself wanting to keep writing in the margins "Summer 2012! Summer 2012! Summer 2012!" It felt like this chapter explained so perfectly why my first summer with Sonshine was so incredibly life changing for me. It was my first big dose of self-awareness. I think through the trainee material, community of Christ followers, a wonderful person floating me, and most importantly the Holy Spirit's perfect timing and guidance, I, for the first time maybe ever, got a clear look deep below the tip of the iceberg.
I loved on page 83 when he says:
"Once we begin looking beneath the surface of our lives, we encounter an abyss of ugliness that can be frightening." and "The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, yet you are more accepted and loved than you ever dared to hope because Jesus lived and died in your place."
Pg. 86 "A revelation of God's grace gives us the courage to face the painful truth about ourselves."
Man, I just remember being fixated on that word- UGLY- when my eyes were opened to what I saw in myself. And after some time of coming to terms with that ugliness, God's grace enlivened me (and continues to) more than ever before. That summer, like I said, was life changing and I've seen over the months since how that has enabled me to mature in my relationship with Jesus. That being said, I know there is much exploring and discovering yet to be done. I'm nervous for the ways that God is going to provide opportunities to delve a little deeper in the next few days, weeks, months, during summer, heck! The rest of my life! but..... In the past it had brought so much freedom and hope and such worship in my heart of our God. SO, because of that, I look forward to it.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My emotions have been shrunken down to the size of nickels....
I have enjoyed the reading so far. I think I have enjoyed the posts from you all much more. As I read through chapter 3 & 4 I was encouraged by Jesus' words, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."
When emotions stir in me Jesus reminds me that He has yoked Himself to me and I to Him.
"I will Carry this for you Reid - here give it to me" - Jesus says- or "I am carrying this for you already Reid, don't you see it?"
Therefore, my response to my emotions should be easy and light. "Thank you Jesus- that is way to heavy for me to carry!"
Where my emotions start to get jumbled is when I find myself wrestling the yoke! I am coming to a conclusion and might be there already - that HUMILITY or PRIDE inform my emotions!
"Jesus create in me a clean heart, a humble heart....for your Glory!
When emotions stir in me Jesus reminds me that He has yoked Himself to me and I to Him.
"I will Carry this for you Reid - here give it to me" - Jesus says- or "I am carrying this for you already Reid, don't you see it?"
Therefore, my response to my emotions should be easy and light. "Thank you Jesus- that is way to heavy for me to carry!"
Where my emotions start to get jumbled is when I find myself wrestling the yoke! I am coming to a conclusion and might be there already - that HUMILITY or PRIDE inform my emotions!
"Jesus create in me a clean heart, a humble heart....for your Glory!
Monday, February 10, 2014
CHPS 3 and 4 -- For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes.
For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders)
great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes.
This is a long, disjointed post. It’s also slightly mystical and weird. If you want to save time – here’s the point: We
ruin the world. Jesus enters it and repairs the ruins with deep emotional
substance and precise emotional clarity.
And….. by His spirit He works in similar emotional fashion through us!
“For the tawny face was bent down near his own
and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were
such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as
if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.” (Magicians Nephew Excerpt from Chapter 12)
For a
week or more, Caleb, my three year old son, has been counting down the days and
at times hours and minutes to celebrating this morning at 10:30 (2/10/14) the birthday of his
beloved friend Samuel.
This morning
Caleb walked out in the living room eyes squinting, hair disheveled, stumbling
in heavy sleep-drunk wake up mode. Sarah
picked him up and with both of us soaking up his very delirious bed warmness, Caleb
asks with raspy hoarseness, “mom, is today Monday?” Sarah says, “yes, it’s Monday.” Caleb immediately grins ear to ear. His eyes brightened with some serious radiant
wakeful power as he joyfully declared, “yeah!! It’s Samuel’s Birthday!”
As I think about establishing myself as emotional superstar heading in 2014 summer, I see Caleb standing in my path. I see him erupting in joy over a birthday.
As I think about establishing myself as emotional superstar heading in 2014 summer, I see Caleb standing in my path. I see him erupting in joy over a birthday.
As I think about my pursuit of emotional maturity, I hear him belching at the dinner table and
proclaiming “TOXIC BOMB.” I hear him
ripping a fart in his car seat and announcing “TOXIC TOOT.” I hear him asking me with enthusiasm after I
fart, “da-da, was that a toxic toot?”
I
hear him naming his football teams when we play one-on-one football (without a
ball by the way – just a lot of tackling and wrestling until he breaks through
to an end zone which consists of a favorite blanket folded in a rectangle
behind me.) Back to his football team
names -- His football teams range from the Broncos, to the Bears, to the
Smoochie Faces, to Andrew Luck.
As I
think about establishing myself as an emotional superstar heading into the 2014
summer, I hear him just yesterday
yelling with full-tilt boisterous intensity to a guy with a Denver jersey at
Costco, “BRONCOS!!!!!” I see him shaking
his booty (hard not to see this because he does it constantly) while giggling
until near suffocation.
As I think
about my pursuit of emotional maturity, I see him
grabbing an egg with pure glee out of the chicken coop, beaming his eyes into
mine, and sharing “I love checking eggs……this one is all mine!”
My
point, there is a point …. Barely.
My point
is this – As I think about establishing myself as an emotional superstar
heading into the 2014 summer, Caleb stands in my path.
And
Jesus stands in my path, right behind Caleb.
And
Jesus stands right behind Caleb with a flaming sword shooting out of his mouth.
His
sword decapitates my head. Mystically, I
can see my deflated body without its head.
My head “packed with years upon years of ‘knowledge, self-awareness,
control, and refinement’ is rendered useless.
I blink
and notice that Caleb is now transformed into the whitest, brightest splendor
of glory. Caleb picks up my head and
punts it to Christ. Christ (this part is
very familiar to me) tickles Caleb into a giggle fit and then from His sword
mouth breathes into my deflated headless corpse.
And then….. blink, blink …… I am suddenly kneeling in my living room. Caleb is lining up across from ready for the next play of one on one football. He’s digging in his imaginary cleats to break through my tackle and score another touchdown on the folded blanket. As we fall together into the blanket somewhere in my soul I sense, for a painful and beautiful split second, I am falling into heaven.
And then….. blink, blink …… I am suddenly kneeling in my living room. Caleb is lining up across from ready for the next play of one on one football. He’s digging in his imaginary cleats to break through my tackle and score another touchdown on the folded blanket. As we fall together into the blanket somewhere in my soul I sense, for a painful and beautiful split second, I am falling into heaven.
Mathew
18:3 -- “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like
children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Other Ideas from the reading - Just Ideas Not Very Much Developed -
Nothing changes the nature of truth.
Nothing can change the nature/essence of love.
Nothing can change, manipulate, the nature/character/power of Joy.
Anal retentiveness is s*#tty sin. (contemplating emotional adult = high emotional control.)
God is salvation. Apart from Christ no one is free.
Sky grew dark, earth shook, where is God now? In the very center of the hell and chaos.
Heart of God. Weeps. Hurricane to Job – so powerful. Tears to Mary – so EMOTIONALLY tender.
Where are you Jesus? On a cross. Dying for you my beloved. Where were you Jesus? On a cross. Dying for you my beloved.
I Corinthians 13 – No love = I am nothing. Gain nothing.
Hebrews 1:3 – “Jesus is the radiance of the glory of God, the exact imprint of His nature, upholding the universe by His Word of power.”
Other Ideas from the reading - Just Ideas Not Very Much Developed -
Nothing changes the nature of truth.
Nothing can change the nature/essence of love.
Nothing can change, manipulate, the nature/character/power of Joy.
Anal retentiveness is s*#tty sin. (contemplating emotional adult = high emotional control.)
God is salvation. Apart from Christ no one is free.
Sky grew dark, earth shook, where is God now? In the very center of the hell and chaos.
Heart of God. Weeps. Hurricane to Job – so powerful. Tears to Mary – so EMOTIONALLY tender.
Where are you Jesus? On a cross. Dying for you my beloved. Where were you Jesus? On a cross. Dying for you my beloved.
I Corinthians 13 – No love = I am nothing. Gain nothing.
Hebrews 1:3 – “Jesus is the radiance of the glory of God, the exact imprint of His nature, upholding the universe by His Word of power.”
From
Chronicles of Narnia – Magicians Nephew –
Point – We ruin the world. Jesus enters it and repairs the ruins with the deep emotional substance and precise emotional clarity.
Point – We ruin the world. Jesus enters it and repairs the ruins with the deep emotional substance and precise emotional clarity.
Excerpts
from Chapters 11 and 12 from The Magicians Nephew
"You see, friends," he said, "that
before the new, clean world I gave you is seven hours old, a force of evil has
already entered it; waked and brought hither by this son of Adam." The
Beasts, even Strawberry, all turned their eyes on Digory till he felt that he
wished the ground would swallow him up. "But do not be cast down,"
said Aslan, still speaking to the Beasts. "Evil will come of that evil,
but it is still a long way off, and I will see to it that the worst falls upon
myself. In the meantime, let us take such order that for many hundred years yet
this shall be a merry land in a merry world. And as Adam's race has done the
harm, Adam's race shall help to heal it. Draw near, you other two."
DIGORY kept his mouth very tight shut. He had
been growing more and more uncomfortable. He hoped that, whatever happened, he
wouldn't blub or do anything ridiculous.
"Son of Adam," said Aslan. "Are you ready to undo the wrong that you have done to my sweet country of Narnia on the very day of its birth?"
"Well, I don't see what I can do," said Digory. "You see, the Queen ran away and - "
"I asked, are you ready?" said the Lion.
"Yes," said Digory. He had had for a second some wild idea of saying "I'll try to help you if you'll promise to help my Mother," but he realized in time that the Lion was not at all the sort of person one could try to make bargains with. But when he had said "Yes," he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes, and he blurted out:
"But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure Mother?" Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.
"Son of Adam," said Aslan. "Are you ready to undo the wrong that you have done to my sweet country of Narnia on the very day of its birth?"
"Well, I don't see what I can do," said Digory. "You see, the Queen ran away and - "
"I asked, are you ready?" said the Lion.
"Yes," said Digory. He had had for a second some wild idea of saying "I'll try to help you if you'll promise to help my Mother," but he realized in time that the Lion was not at all the sort of person one could try to make bargains with. But when he had said "Yes," he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes, and he blurted out:
"But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure Mother?" Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.
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