Rolling in the Deep

"There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear..." 

- Adele

Isn't it interesting that it is in the dark, fiery, broken places of my life that I can see God crystal clear?  It is like a fever breaking.  It is the feeling of total desperation and complete inadequacy that makes me completely surrender and finally see God.  I could not help but think of the above song when I read page 73. "But an authentic relationship with Christ also takes us into the depths - the shadows the strongholds and the darkness deep within our own souls that must be purged.  Surrendering to this inward and downward journey is difficult and painful"  No joke!  As painful as the purging process is, I am so thankful that it is a sign that God is alive in me - He is working and active and does not let me get away.  The pain and depth is also so beautiful because this is the fullness, marrow, humanity, and....stuff (for lack of a better word) of life.  And God is right....HERE! 

"God has given us the gospel to create a safe environment to look beneath the surface....I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable.  I don't have to be right all the time...I can even take risks and fail.  Why?  Because God sees the 90 percent of the iceberg hidden below the surface, and he utterly, totally loves me in Christ."  Cue George Michael music, "Freedom!  Freedom!"  The gospel is the biggest safety net in the world.  Reading this was like taking a time-release medication.  Throughout this week I have been remembering this sentence at random times and given a "zap-dose" of this freedom medication.  It has sounded like this: "Nina, it is o.k., you can take this risk, you don't have to have an exact solution for this parent, it's ok you don't know what to do, it is o.k. to let your principal know that you are out of ideas, you can't "fix" Ross, it's not about you, it's ok to not know....etc."

Thank you, Lord, that I am valued, loved, and I have nothing left to prove.

"In fact, a church committed to emotional health is a messy place."  Yes it is!  There is no way we can "roll in the deep" without getting messy.  There is no way we can ugly-cry pretty.  This is the beauty of the church (Houseboats) - God has put us here together to be messy together. And I am beyond grateful to be a part of a staff who are committed to Christ and, with all of our scars and weaknesses, go out and be wounded healers.