The [Inward] Journey

I apologize for this late post this is from last weeks reading =]

"An authentic relationship with Christ also takes us into the depths-- the shadows, the strongholds and the darkness deep within our own souls that must be purged. Surrendering to this inward and downward journey is difficult and painful."pg 73

When I read this line I just thought to myself "Welp guess I won't be going on that journey," I know ridiculous. Little did I know that a line a page later would not only be the theme to my next week, but also cause me to look to my family and past for answers. "Most of us feel much more equipped to manipulate objects, control situations, and "do" things than to take that very long journey inward." pg. 75

This ties nicely into my genogram and the last story of Chapter 6 (sorry for all of the jumping around I swear I have a point) "She was the oldest of three children and was drawn to her dad, identifying with his emotions of anger, guilt, worry, and hurt. She took on the responsibility to make sure her dad felt better. If he didn't seem to be recovering from his negative feelings, she felt guilty. She would try to rescue him, always trying to do 'the right thing.'"  pg 111

I have always struggled with the idea that doing follows being. This week I have grasped this idea probably  better than I ever have. I am such a people pleaser that I will do almost anything for the people that I love, especially my family.
My dad got it a fight with my brother last week, and was hurt and longed for his family to be together. So he asked me to come home, and I told him that I couldn't. I needed rest and time to catch up from being gone every weekend this quarter. Then he got mad at me. I felt so guilty because I felt like I was being selfish, I then planned to go home that weekend and hoped that would make my dad feel better. My mom then spoke to me about it and told me that I needed to take care of myself, and that my dad was just hurting. I swear God has funny timing. I guess its  more perfect than funny.  This book has just repeated 2 ideas for me. 1) I deal with my hurt in the same way my dad does, by getting mad and 2) I can't fix my family only God can, and I guess there is a third 3) In order for God to fix my family I have to be willing to allow him to fix me.

This conversation sparked a journey to my past that will probably never actually end.

I love my family so much and they have given me so many great qualities, but have also passed on some not so great ones. I don't just try to make sure my dad is happy, but also my mom and brother. This stems from my dad constantly trying to please his mom and him striving for acceptance from his abusive father. It also stems from my mom who never heard the words "I love you" from her dad until much later in life, and her mom who worked so much  my mom hardly saw her.  However from these same circumstances stems the fact that my parents have always supported me even when they don't agree with my decisions and tell me that they love me more times than I can count. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to accept others for who they are and accept myself for who I am.  But still from this its hard for me to accept love. I remember over the summer on one of my floats with Mike, Mike asked me If I accepted God's love or allowed God to love me. And if I was completely honest, the answer is no. I feel like I have to earn God's love, I have to be the best young life leader, or the best speaker, etc. "I don't have to prove that I'm lovable or valuable." pg 85 I need to be reminded of this daily. God loves us. He adopted us and cancelled all of our debts. Romans 8 talks about God's children running to him calling him "Abba." I want so badly to do that...but in order to do that I need to let him strip me of my past-my snake skin. (Voyage of the Dawn Treader) This journey is not going to be easy, but I have been so encouraged by everyone's posts and the opportunity to walk alongside this team as we all journey together.

Thank you for reading my ramblings and letting me process these two chapters through this blog!
Love you all so much!