Oh family

Chapter 6

Wow! Absolutely LOVED this chapter! So incredibly helpful in processing the past in a healthy and realistic way. Watch out! This is going to be long.

Some quotes that I enjoyed:

"Like everyone in the human race, I too descended from the family tree of Adam and Eve. Their intent after they disobeyed God was to shield and defend themselves from God and each other. This aim of protecting ourselves from God and other manifests in different ways- controlling, fixing, anxiety, frustration, fear, withdrawing, ignoring, denying, pacifying, or loneliness, anxiety, frustration, resentment, blaming, and more." (pg 92)

I particularly resonated with BLAME (oh boy I do that). IGNORING and PACIFYING.

Loved basically all of Page 102 and 103- especially that long quote on 103.

"We are then to go out and heal others as wounded healers." (102)

" But the extent to which we can go back and understand how it has shaped us will determine, to a large degree, our level of awareness and our ability to break destructive patterns, pass on constructive legacies, and grow in love towards God and people." (pg 103)

Loved on the bottom of 103 his reflection on how he views people and why and then asking himself "How does God view those people?" SO GOOD!

Personal Realizations:

Soooooo, naturally I made a genogram as I read this chapter dissecting both my families and my parents families. I wish so badly I had it in front of me to delve deeply into it but here's some of what I discovered.

Generational themes in my family:
1) DIVORCE (4 places in my intermediate family!)
2) Anger (Passed from my Grandpa, to my Dad, to me)
3) Discontent/Disatisfaction (Passed from my Grandma, to my Dad, to me)
These 3 seemed to be the most reoccurring throughout the graph.

(This is going to sounds egotistical but...) One of the last things I expected to discover through this is that I am the hero in the family. I was the first kid to go to college, I've always been athletic, been fairly successful in school, been proactive about following Christ and have always been generally obedient and a rule follower. I'm often used as a measuring stick for my younger siblings. I'm my mother's only biological child which certainly has caused her to dote on me. In my Dad's family, I am the oldest and have always sought to have a good relationship with every member in the family and am therefore viewed as the "good child." (Number 11)

(Number 10 and Number 7) My ethnicity has allowed me to grow up extremely privileged and I am so thankful that my parents have always been financially responsible and organized despite their opposite backgrounds. (Dad- grew up very poor. Mom- grew up well off.)

(Number 3)
*** My family does not hash out conflict! Generationally, my Dad's side of the family confront, yell, get angry, then don't speak about it but hold a grudge. Generationally, my Mom's side, want to believe everything is fine so they don't talk about it and just ignore that anything hurtful happened and just get over it (the rose colored glasses syndrome).

I think one of the most interesting things that I learned, that I truly believe God revealed to me was the phrase: "My father's love is conditional." This is something I know to be true about my own father. He has told me this himself. I've seen the extent of this most tangibly in the last few months as my Dad and brother have not been on speaking terms since late August. My dad has told me that the idea of parent's love being unconditional isn't true and that kids can do things that damage the parent-child relationship beyond repair. When God spoke this phrase into my mind as I created my genograph I realized how deeply imbedded this concept is in my relationship with Him. If I'm not a good enough believer, if I don't love God perfectly enough, serve perfectly, all with the perfect motives then he scolds me  and is disappointed that I can't figure out our relationship.

I really enjoyed this approach of not merely blaming your family dysfunction for why you're screwed up but instead saying, "I'm inherently sinful. So are the people closest to me in my life. And this inherent sinfulness has been passed down to me. Here are the effects..."

I love my father dearly. There is no relationship in my life that crucifies me more and that causes me to pause and take a good long look at my heart. For this I am most sincerely thankful.