Labrador Current (Titanic Killer)

Sorry for the tardy post! I was in the mountains this past weekend with the high schoolers for winter camp (but it was more like spring camp at 70 degrees everyday). But here we go! I loved these two chapters and couldn't wait to type it all down!

The "why" questions on page 82 were helpful for me to look beneath the surface my my own iceberg. One of the ones that took some time to unpack was:

Why am I so impatient?
Because i want things done on time. but more so, done on my time. I don't like it when I'm kept waiting. I'm most impatient on Wednesdays at 6:30 because the guys i lead in small group come late every week; no matter how many times i remind them to come on time. On the surface i'd like to say that its because i want them to be here for worship and hear the message. Sometimes I ask out of frustration, "God don't you want them here on time to listen and participate?  As i peel that layer back, its really because I don't want to be sitting by myself or with just one or two students for the first 15 minutes. My question turns to, "Why are you leaving me out to dry right now?" I laugh while I type that because it is so stupid in retrospect, but that frustration is very real and shouldn't be ignored. I want my row to look like its full.  I want a glittering image of a "good" small group leader with everyone there.

The genogram and the passing traits from generation to generation really interested me because I never have really examined my families past at all. The questions on page 98 sparked a lot of thought into how I was raised, and how i lead others.

Some of the influencers drawn from the questions on 98:

• Strict adherence to rules/discipline (This is the traditional korean culture my parents were raised in. It emanates more so from my dad, who got it from his mom).

• rules around the house
• school
• VIOLIN
• spanking (ouch)

• Anger (my dad's mom has a fireball personality and her anger definitely transferred to my dad, and along to me)
• Talking about or showing emotion = weakness

• Feelings in general
• Crying

Cancer/Health complications/Death

• Uncle (mom's brother): died young of leukemia
• Aunt (mom's sister): breast cancer (she's alive)
• Aunt (mom's sister): endometriosis
• Grandfather (mom's dad): alzheimer's
• Mom: two battles with thyroid cancer and almost a third while i was in high school
• Dad's side: high blood pressure and cholesterol
• Chris: roommate senior yr of high school passed away

Looking at these influencers/my past/current state has been helpful in digging into the why behind some of my behaviors. I'll comment on the two that i think are major influences.

Rules/discipline = (Major influence: fear)
I developed an unhealthy fear of my dad and we still have a somewhat strained relationship. He and i are both very strong willed and D's on the disc chart. So when i started thinking for myself and challenging rules, it was met with more discipline and punishment. We recently got into a shouting match last week about my post grad job and haven't found time to talk since.

I developed the need to be right all the time because i hated getting spanked (well who does?). Many times it happened after my sister blamed me for something i didn't do to her. So i became and still am defensive. I will go to great lengths to make sure i am in good standing. to make sure i am right. because i thought, "if i'm right and can prove my innocence, i wont get punished." (plays right into performance-based theology)

It was also instilled at an early age that A's were the expectation in our household. This stems from my grandparents down.This is another strong point in traditional korean culture. we were rewarded with money for straight A's on report cards all the way until high school. my grandfather even promised to pay my tuition if i got into stanford. thanks... but no thanks. Needless to say when i got my first C in highschool it did not go over well. But that was the best i could do. I voluntarily moved away to boarding school in Illinois to get away from the pressure at home and with my violin. (performance-again)

I had to practice violin 2 hours minimum a day. That was the rule when i decided to go 100%. My dad would sit down with me and we would often go past to 3 or sometimes 4 hours. I hated practicing, sacrificing vacation time, hanging out with friends, enjoying summers. the discipline ended up paying off with many concerts and awards. I was the best in southern california, but it got to my head and i became so selfish. I burned out during my senior year at boarding school and quit taking lessons. (performance-again)

Cancer/Health complications/Death
I realized that my family has a history of health problems and it has definitely influenced how i look at myself. In high school my mom had a cancer scare and it freaked me out because she had already gone through it twice. I became hyper-focused onto my body image, lifting, and what i ate. Body image is still one of the three things i hate about myself when going through the trainee material and it's been 4 years since first going through it the first time!

Wow, what a massive amount of stuff these chapters have dug up!!! I find this passage encouraging "A revelation of God's free grace gives us the courage to face the painful truths about ourselves. As we step out onto the tightrope of discovering the unpleasant things about ourselves, we have a safety net below - the gospel of Jesus Christ" (86).