Family Patterns

As I read this chapter and the suggestions about making a genogram, I kept a mental list of the things I knew about my extended family's relationships. Truth be told, it's not much. I never knew either of my grandmothers, and both my parents' dads passed away by the time I was in junior high. My aunts and uncles didn't live nearby so I've never really had much intimate interaction with most of my extended family.

The little bit that I do know lines up pretty well with what I've experienced with my parents. There is a definite trend of divorce on both sides and the other main thing I notice is that there is a huge tendency to withdraw from conflict. (I'm sure there's more generational trends present, but they are beyond what I've seen or been told about.)

When I think back to the things that shaped me the most during high school, the one thing that comes to mind is my parents divorce. "A critical part of growing into maturity with Christ needs to include addressing these issues and how they impact who [I am] in the present, both positively and negatively" (100). [Positive:] My parents divorce in high school pushed me straight to the church, the church was a safe haven for me. A place away from the hurt at home, a place where I felt people loved me, a place where I wanted to me. And I am so thankful for role that the church and my youth group played in my life during high school. [Negative:] But as much as I say that my parents divorce pushed me there, I could also say that I RAN there. I withdrew from the conflict at home, I ran from it to the only place I knew to go. (And praise Jesus it was the church and not somewhere else!) I taught myself that if I just left everything would be fine. And I saw that tendency in my parents as well. Many times when conflict would arise, one or both would completely withdraw, pretend like it wasn't happening...until it would all blow up (and that sure was fun).

And so that's what I do to this day, I withdraw from conflict - and I believe that to be due to the way my family operated/still does operate. I also think part of that is because I always want to please people, so I don't want them to know if I'm angry or upset with them. So I just pretend nothing happened - at least when I'm talking to the person I'm in conflict with, but when I talk to other people I voice my frustration and anger. And eventually, after it's welled up inside me for long enough it tends to just explode (many times during a near death ride in a fishing boat or while getting drenched by the "fists of glory" on the patio boat - thanks Reid =]).

And I know that this tendency is all too true in my relationships with my own family, but also with my friends. I know it's something that will be easy to fall into when conflict arises on the water. But my hope is that through knowing it now, knowing where it comes from, and knowing how to combat this "emotionally unhealthy" response to conflict that I won't fall into it this summer. And when I do (because I'm sure I will) - you guys will know about it too and will be able to encourage/challenge me out of the patterns of my family.