My mom and I used to always watch Grey's Anatomy together when it first came out.  In the first season there's this scene where the main character Meredith kinda loses it.  Back story: Meredith falls in love with a guy who is divorced but then his ex wife comes back into the picture and he is torn between staying with Meredith or trying to make it work with his wife. Anyway, all episode Meredith decides she doesn't care and is just going to let Mcdreamy pick who he picks and she is going to be independent and strong and not be phased by his decision. Eventually, when she runs into him in a stairwell she breaks down and blurts out, "pick me, choose me, LOVE me!" 

The moment this scene ended my mom turned to me and said, "Never be that girl".

Don't ever be the girl who is desperate for love, who needs to be loved, who has to ask the guy to love her.  Don't ever be the girl who lets her emotions make her vulnerable.

I play this game with God a lot.  I feel like I'm in competition with the world to be loved by God. In comparison to everyone around me if I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, athletic enough, accomplished enough, why would God love me? why would he pick me? And so I try not to be that girl. I act like I don't really care if God picks me, I don't really need him to love me. I'm strong and independent. I don't dare ask him to love me.

But my heart was made for this.  It was made to be loved with a love that makes fire seem dim, with a passion that makes lions seem tame, and with a ferocity that could - and did - turn the world from dark to light.

I try and pretend like I don't really care, that I am strong, but when I have tried and failed to earn His love, eventually I find my self asking God, "pick me, choose me, LOVE me!" 

And He says,  silly girl, I did, I have, I do. Before you ever asked and before you ever deserved it.

I write this because I think that if I earn love before Admin retreat then I won't be needy and desperate for love and you won't all have to see me wimpy and vulnerable. So I guess this is my accountability that when you all see me this weekend and I try and perform my shiny tap dance number of why I deserve to be loved you will all be like "no, no... we read the post. you're that girl"

I'm that girl. Desperate, needy, weak, vulnerable.
but that girl is loved loved loved. With fire, passion, ferocity.