Good Grief!

Grieving My God
I was particularly interested in this chapter because this is the section of the test that I scored lowest on back in chapter 3. Not to my surprise the beginning of the chapter immediately grabbed my attention with the quote:

"Often, when we wonder if we are regressing and going backwards spiritually, God is doing his most profound work of transformation in us."

"Regressing and going backwards" most accurately describes where I've felt since November that I am at spiritually. And I've so desperately wanted to hope that there was some sort of purpose through this, however, I just can't seem to see it. God feels pretty absent from my life entirely, singing worship songs feels unnatural and uncomfortable, thinking about Jesus, the gospel, and salvation has not remotely inspired awe in me. And I've seen it taking a toll on many of the relationships that are most important to me. To say the absolute least, I've been grieving whatever all this is. I don't even really know at this point. I know that throughout life these times are bound to come and go but I'm trying to embrace the fact that in the moment they can still be discouraging. This quote above dared me to keep hoping along with this one on page 170 (Hebrews 5:8)

"He [Jesus] learned obedience from what he suffered."

And page 168

"The laments pay attention to the reality that life can be hard, difficult, and sometimes even brutal. They take notice of the apparent absence of God. They notice when circumstances seem to say that God is not good. They cry out to God for comfort and care."

(Not to mention that all of this makes me feel like a complete and utter fraud with Barnies)

Origin
I think my inability to embrace grieving obviously comes from my family, but in different ways. From a young age I remember my Dad frequently telling me that I shouldn't be sad or upset that my parents got divorced because so many people's parents are divorced now a day. As a child the single most heartbreaking thing for me, I shouldn't feel sad about it.

On the other hand, my mother is an extremely strong, confident and positive person and she handled the divorce like a superstar. She took on the single parent role with ease and joy and blessed me with an amazing childhood. She always has the outlook, to this day, that "Well, there's nothing that can be done about it now, so might as well make the best of it" or (one that she used on me incessantly as a child when I was being uncooperative) "Just choose to have a good attitude."

I think all of this communicated that I don't deserve to grieve and that things will just be okay if I find the good and be positive about it.

Other Areas that I'm Currently Grieving
- (As mentioned above) Obedience to God but with a lack of intimacy or connection with God. Feeling that is on my shoulders to "make him reappear" through more spiritual "doings."
- Former friendships that have faded
- Prospects of being separated from last years Barnies this summer
- My own insecurity. That my identity of being one loved by Jesus is not enough, not comforting and completely unseen at times (now).

I really appreciate Scazzeros acknowledgement that it is important to fully grieve the small things (161) and to be honest with God about them though they may seem insignificant. And that all of this is so essential for being able to be truly compassionate towards others and to be able to fully grieve with them.

Other take aways from the chapter
On page 164 I know I have the tendency to do the whole, "Well they did their best. They couldn't help it" with people who hurt or disappoint me instead of fully feeling the hurt and then forgiving in the same way that Jesus feels the weight of  our rebellion and unwillingness to receive him. It is only because of this that the full joy of our salvation can be felt.

"Out of the greatest evil, the death of Jesus, came the greatest good. God transforms evil into good without diminishing the awfulness of the evil." (Page 175)